One Week

It’s been three years since I wrote this and while time helps with the everyday, the pain and hurt and emotion are still very much the same. But so is the love and we always say “All you need is Love” ❤️

Mamas Broken

It’s been one week today since I heard the words that would change my life forever.. “The baby has no heartbeat” Those were the hardest words I’ve ever had to hear. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is live every second since that moment. Now it’s me. Now I’m one of those moms that everyone feels sorry for. Now I’ve had to bear an unimaginable amount of pain and put everyone I love and care about in pain, but I’m not supposed to feel guilty about it. How is that even possible? I feel as if I failed my son because my body couldn’t take care of him the way he needed. I feel as if I failed my husband because he wanted a little boy to play with sooo bad. I feel as if I’ve failed my daughter because she deserved to have a little brother to pick on…

View original post 951 more words

Advertisements

Missing You

I miss you so much Renix Benjamin Bruce and I will always love you!!

Mamas Broken

I miss you.

There’s not much more to say.

My heart has been broken since the day you went away.

I woke up in tears, with you in my heart

Longing for just one second of you in my arms.

I think of you often and talk to you too

Can you hear me baby? I hope that you do

I tell you I’m sorry and how I love you so

That I would’ve done anything for you not to go.

I tell you I miss you and your daddy does too

And so does your sister, she loves to talk about you.

If love could have saved you, you’d be just fine

Cuz we love you so so much sweet child of mine.

I try to be happy, I try to stay strong

But my heart has shattered since you’ve been gone.

My life is a lot different, I’m…

View original post 186 more words

The Most Difficult Time Of The Year

While everyone is going on about the joys of Christmas and the holiday season, for me, it’s one of the hardest times of year, there is always someone missing. I can’t believe it’s been almost three years. It still feels like yesterday in so many ways. New Year’s Eve is your birthday. If you were here I’d have been planning your party for months now. If you were here we’d have all your Christmas presents picked out and waiting for you like your sisters. If you were here we wouldn’t have an empty fourth hook on our stocking hanger. If you were here I wouldn’t have to feel this heart ache.

But you’re not here.

You’re the ornaments on the tree with your name on it. You’re the reason we are buying ninja turtle presents for a three year old boy we’ve never met. You’re the hole in my heart and in my life. You’re the reason we stand out in the cold freezing our asses off to release a balloon every year. You’re with us even though you’re not here.

December is incredibly hard for me. Not only is it the stress of the holidays and Christmas, trying to afford presents, trying to help out, trying to make it to three different parents houses, not to mention grandparents, trying to find time to have our own family time for Christmas, trying to get everything wrapped, but it’s the month of heartbreaking memories.

I found out my blood pressure was bad again. We found out you were a boy but having problems. We got to hear your heartbeat then we’re told if you weren’t so small you’d be delivered. We were told you might not make it. We prayed. We cried. We begged.

It didn’t matter.

We were told you were gone.

We prayed and we cried and we begged.

It didn’t matter.

I spent my last night with you in my belly and a never ending ache in my heart.

The next few days were the hardest of my life. Waiting for a labor that never happened. Losing so much blood. Having another emergency c-section. Holding my lifeless baby in my arms. Having to let you go. Having to leave you there. Having to see you be taken away. Leaving the hospital empty handed.

I wouldn’t wish the pain of giving birth and leaving the hospital empty handed on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. If I had one. It is BY FAR the worst, soul crushing, heart shattering, mind bending pain I have ever felt. Twice.

I’ve written all this before. I’ve said all this before. I’ve actually stopped writing in this so much because I have said it all before.

But my dear sweet boy, there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. You are in my thoughts with everything I do. Every time we see a penny on the ground we pick it up and say hi to you and tell you we love you. Every time we drive by your park we yell hi and love you. Every time I see a ninja turtle I think of you. Every time I see a mom with her little boy, I think of you. Every time I see a Dad playing with his son, I think of you. Every time I see a dragonfly or a butterfly I think of you. Whenever I’m taking care of our garden, I think of you. Whenever we see a ninja we think of you.

There is never a day that goes by without a thought of you my son. Whether it be me, your dad or your sister, you are always with us.

It’s funny because even though I don’t get to watch you grow, your corner grows. With candles we light on special times for you. With cards in your honor and figurines from your grandparents. With a piece of the balloon string we released last year. With a ninja turtle LEGO guy from some dear friends. With little things that remind us of you.

Zenna loves to hug your bear and it brings tears to my eyes because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to seeing you two together.

Losing you, my son, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ll never be over it. I’ll never move on. I’ll never be the same again. But I will always cherish the few months I got to carry you. I will always hold dear the times when Zenna spoke to you through my belly. I will always remember holding you in my arms and kissing your face. I will always think of you. I will always do what I can to carry on your memory.

I will always love you.

Banana Cookies

So I haven’t written in here in a while and I keep telling myself I’m going to but I feel like sometimes I’m just a broken record that keeps writing the same things because feelings don’t really change. However, I’ve said in the past that I was going to use this blog for more than just feelings, and I love to bake and I bake quite often and I see blogs all the time sharing recipes of things that they’ve baked so I figured I can do that too! 😀 

So I had a bunch of over ripe bananas on my counter and I’m always making banana muffins and bread so today we decided to make banana cookies! Plus putting banana in them makes them okay to eat for breakfast right? 

We started by mixing the butter and sugar together. I used melted butter partly because my butter was frozen, and partly because my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe calls for melted butter and I feel it really makes a difference in the texture of the cookies. 

Then came the bananas and the baking soda. I also added some vanilla because I have some awesome natural vanilla that just seems to add a great flavor to everything. 

Then we whisked the flour salt and other spices together. I also added a bit of extra cinnamon into our recipe because when we were pouring it into the teaspoon we had a little mishap 😉 

Then we mixed the banana mixture with the butter mixture and then mixed in the flour. 

Then we added chocolate chips because that makes everything better! 

My amazing husband bought me a jumbo sized cookie sheet which I have been very excited to try out.  Just look how many F’n cookies this thing can hold!!

So many in fact, I couldn’t fit them all on my wire racks! I did double the recipe though because of the amount of bananas I had.

  I ate about 5, cuz they had bananas in them so it was my breakfast 😉 


And Z had a few as well, so I’m going to say they were a hit!  I’ll post the recipe below just in case anyone wants it! 

 Banana Cookies Recipe

Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 30-45 minutes minutes Yields: about 84 cookies

Ingredients:

1 cup of unsalted butter (2 sticks), melted 

2 cups of sugar

2 eggs

2 cups of mashed bananas (I used about 5 large bananas)

2 teaspoons of vanilla

2 teaspoons of baking soda

4 cups of flour

1/2 teaspoon of salt

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of nutmeg

2 cups of chocolate chips

Directions:

1 Preheat the oven to 350°F. Beat the butter and sugar together until mixed. Add the eggs and continue to beat until fully mixed.

2 In a separate bowl, mash the bananas then mix with baking soda. Let sit for 2 minutes. The baking soda will react with the acid in the bananas which in turn will give the cookies their lift and rise. Then add vanilla. Pour the banana/ baking soda/ vanilla mixture into the butter mixture and mix thoroughly. 

3 Whisk together the flour, salt, and cinnamon and nutmeg. Add to the banana mixture and mix until just combined.

4 Fold in chocolate chips (if using) into the batter.

5 Drop by teasooonful ( or larger if you wish) onto parchment paper-lined baking sheet. Bake for 11-13 minutes until nicely golden brown. Cool on wire racks.

Here is the link to the recipe I used. I doubled this recipe and changed it up a bit to make it my own above. 

Hope you all enjoy!!

http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/banana_cookies/

Cupcake Cutie

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you and things change up the daily routine that you’re used to. Lately I haven’t been watching other kids everyday of the week so I’ve been getting more days that are just Z and I together. While I like money, I LOVE my little girl so these days together have been good for my soul! 


On this day we decided to be bakers!  🙂 Zenna picked out pink strawberry cupcake mix and purple funfetti frosting for our baking adventure. 

I let Z do as much of it by herself as she could. 

She did great!


And of course in keeping up with the pink theme we used Minnie Mouse cupcake cups left over from her birthday party. 


I let her fill the cups with batter as well which was a great test of my patience.  (for those who don’t know, I don’t have any lol) Since we only had just enough Minnie cups to do one batch we used our heart shaped cake pan from grandma Jo Ann for the rest of the batter. 

While we waited for them to bake and cool we had lunch and made some kool-aid! 

Like I said before I have no patience, so we took the cake out of the pan a little too early and there was some damage. 

But then came the fun/messy part… 🙂 


While Z was busy decorating cupcakes, I was having fun frosting the heart cake (except I mangled the point lol) and playing with different frosting tips. 

Then I gave the cake to Z for some sprinkles… 

And boy did she give it some sprinkles lol. 

It was an amazing day with my beautiful daughter and in the end I couldn’t ask for anything better. These are the moments I hope she will hold onto forever. 

Moment Of Zen

I got an unexpected day off yesterday and I think it was just what I needed. I decided to just have a fun day with Zenna. We started the day off watching Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory snuggled on the couch and then we decided to go out and have some breakfast.  She was so excited. She got banana blueberry pancakes and hot chocolate.  That little nugget must’ve really liked it, cuz she ate everything on that plate except for a little bit of eggs.

Then I needed to get my ring checked at the mall so we went there and wandered around for a little bit. She dragged a my little pony around build a bear for a while, gave it a bath and got to help them out putting stuffing in the machine. We even played in the photo booth 🙂 Once we got home I downloaded an app to make the menu she colored at Denny’s become 3D which was kinda neat. 

Then she decided because it was a rainy day she needed to use her rain gear and go jump in the puddles. 

 

Then of course she needed a bubble bath to warm up. After all that we snuggled in once again on the couch and watched Charlie and the chocolate factory until it was time to go pick up Ben. I think Zenna must’ve had a pretty good day, cuz this was her pretty much the whole car ride. 🙂After dinner we had family game night and played candy land and Jenga until bedtime. It was such a great day! I think spending the day with Zenna being silly was just what I needed. I love this little girl sooo much and I’m so glad she’s mine!

Angry

I feel like for the past two years I’ve been angry. Since you left I’ve been so so angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t save you. I’m angry that my body didn’t do it’s job. I’m angry that my son, my daughter, my husband, my family has had to go through this. I’m angry that I can’t have my dream of multiple kids. I’m angry that people don’t really seem to care anymore. I’m angry that people don’t seem to think I’m still hurting. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry that god didn’t save you. I’m angry that god didn’t save me. I’m angry that we’ve had to go through this in the first place. I’m angry that time makes it easier to deal with because underneath I am angry that the raw gut wrenching soul crushing pain never goes away. I’m angry that no matter what I did or how much I prayed god still took you anyway. I’m angry that people act like you never existed. I’m angry that people who should care you existed don’t. I’m angry that I can’t hug and kiss my baby boy anytime I damn well please. I’m angry that I have to watch other people in the world have babies they ignore, neglect, abuse or don’t even want when I would give anything to see you for just 1 minute. I’m angry that my daughter at 4 year old knows all too well what death is. I’m angry that she never got to meet her baby brother. I’m angry that she has had to see her mommy cry sooo much that she automatically knows “miss Renix mama”. I’m angry that people can go on with their lives like nothing happened. I’m angry that no one says your name. I’m angry that come holidays and other celebrations you are not even mentioned by most of our family. I’m angry that after two years I’m still so angry. I’m angry that I’ve been told my whole life to “give it to god” “have faith” “just pray” and yet I did all those things and he still took you from me. I’m angry that my husband will never get his son. I’m angry my daughter won’t know what it’s like to have that sibling who you wanna murder one minute but you know would always be there for you the next. I’m angry that I still wake up wishing it was all a bad dream. I’m angry that it comes so easy and natural to some people who don’t even want it or care while others suffer wanting so badly to have that child. I’m angry that I feel bad for wanting to share your picture. I’m angry that I can’t hang your picture on my wall with out fear of what others would say or think. I’m angry that I can’t share your pictures on fb and tell people how you’re doing. I’m angry that even the pictures I do have of you, no one wants to see. I’m angry that I can’t talk to you. I’m angry that anytime I’m asked how many kids I have I either have to lie and feel guilty or explain “my son died” I’m angry that my daughter has had to explain to others “Renix died, his heart stopped beating” I’m angry that she she even knows what it is. I’m angry that it feels like no one understands and those that do certainly don’t need my burdens on top of their own. I’m angry that I spend my days taking care of others peoples children but don’t get to take care of you. I’m angry that when people do ask or talk to me about my feelings I get a lot of them telling me how I should feel instead of just letting me feel whatever I want. I’m angry that’s it’s so fucking cold out I don’t even wanna go outside to use my punching bag. I’m angry that I’m still so angry and don’t know what to do about it. I’m angry that most of this anger seems to come out on my husband and my daughter even though I don’t mean for it or want it too. I’m angry that even writing in here just feels like I’m repeating the same things I’ve already said over and over and over. Im angry. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY! Why my son? Why my family? Why didn’t god save him? Why couldn’t I save him? What could I have done differently? Why is my son not right fucking here in my arms where he belongs??? 

Missing You

I miss you. 

There’s not much more to say. 

My heart has been broken since the day you went away. 

I woke up in tears, with you in my heart

Longing for just one second of you in my arms. 

I think of you often and talk to you too

Can you hear me baby? I hope that you do

I tell you I’m sorry and how I love you so 

That I would’ve done anything for you not to go. 

I tell you I miss you and your daddy does too

And so does your sister, she loves to talk about you. 

If love could have saved you, you’d be just fine 

Cuz we love you so so much sweet child of mine. 

I try to be happy, I try to stay strong 

But my heart has shattered since you’ve been gone. 

My life is a lot different, I’m a changed person now 

Will it ever go back or get easier? I don’t really see how

Losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

It’s hard to believe tomorrow you would be turning two. 

I hope that you hear us when we drive by your park 

Cuz every time we yell “love you Renix” and wave from the car

I’m so sorry my body wouldn’t let you grow

I’d have done anything to change it if I could’ve you know

You’re my sweet baby boy, my one and only son

I sometimes imagine the things you’d have done

Would you be into video games and computers like dad

Would you be tall or short? What color hair would you have had? 

It’s hard not to dwell on the what could’ve been

But I know that someday I will see you again 

I love you my son, I hope this you know

I’m so so so so sorry that you had to go 

I miss you

There’s not much more to say

My hearts been broken since the day you went away

Love and Loss

Today is the service of an old friend. Actually an old Love. One I hadn’t seen a long time, and hadn’t actually hung out with for even longer. Love and loss are funny like that, they bring people and things into your life very unexpectedly.

I found out recently my ex-boyfriend Adam passed away. He wasn’t my last ex before getting married. And he wasn’t my first technical boyfriend, but he was my first love. He was my high school sweetheart if you will..

We started dating in 2001. He was my first “real” boyfriend, (you know that lasted more than a couple weeks) and we were together until 2008. He was a huge part of my life for a very long time. I experienced several things for the first time, good and bad, with him and our group of friends; who I am still friends with a few of to this day. In fact if it wasn’t for my relationship with Adam I never would have met my husband Ben. I have so many memories of hanging out in the cafeteria in the high school, just BS-ing about whatever it is high school kids talk about, friends, cars, drugs, sex, dating, teachers… who knows.

That’s where this was taken.

He took me to my first Homecoming dance.

We would spend almost everyday hanging out in his room after school. Watching anime, listening to music, getting stoned.. being carefree teenagers with nothing to lose. Adam had a huge influence on my music tastes, even to this day, he introduced me to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, he helped me discover punk rock like NOFX and the Misfits, Dead Kennedy’s, Dead Milkmen, the list goes on and on..

adam-jennyMade by Samsung DVC

His family was always so nice to me. I felt like they were my extra family. I ate dinner there almost every night, and I would be back there as soon as I was allowed to leave the house again the next day. I picked on his siblings like they were my own, but also made sure Adam wasn’t too mean to them. I practically lived there, but his parents never complained. They always treated me like I was one of their own and for that I will forever be grateful.

We used to spend weekends camping and fishing at his family’s place on William’s lake. I’m not sure I ever actually caught a fish up there, but it is some times in my life I will never forget. We’d swim and fish and hike around in the woods looking for places to hangout. We’d drive around and explore the area and have so much fun going on “adventures to do stuff and things”.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

He was my first roommate, him and I and moved into a townhouse apartment with our friend Darrell. All of our friends hung out there, we drank, we partied, got into trouble, it’s times of my life I will never forget!img_20161129_0011img_20161129_0002

Then we moved into a trailer house together, which again are memories I will forever cherish. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I’m having a hard time finding the right words to express my feelings today.

Adam,

You were such a huge part of my life for a very long time. You had an effect and influence on who I am to this very day. You were my first boyfriend, my first love, my first dance, my first roommate, my first adult relationship,  my first heartbreak,  more firsts and more memories than I can even begin to try to write down. Though we didn’t always see eye to eye and things didn’t end the way we thought they would, you were and will forever be a very important part of my life. You were always so unique. You marched to beat of your own drum since the day we met. You were kind and funny. You loved animals.You brought Buddy home one day from work cuz someone had found him and no one was claiming him. The people that found him were calling him Prince Charming, but you decided his name was going to be Buddy because you had the song “My Name Is Bud” by NOFX stuck in your head that day. We had so many fun times together. I am sorry I never got to say goodbye.  You always had a huge heart, a beautiful soul and you will be greatly missed on this earth by many many people.

Peace Adam.

Love Jenny

My heart is breaking for his family today and the last several days, and in the days to come, no one should ever have to plan their child’s funeral. I wish there was something I could do to help ease their pain. I am so incredibly sorry that they are having to go through all of this.

Mitch, Kelly, Bronson, and Cortney you have always been like extra family to me. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers daily since I heard about Adam. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for your family, and I am sending all the love I have your way today and in the days to come.

Since I can’t seem to find the right words here are some pictures of our memories together and times I will forever cherish.

l_9c9186abe8946879e6cb65880c23f886img_20161129_0015img_20161129_0014img_20161129_0013img_20161129_0010img_20161129_0009img_20161129_0007img_20161129_0003img_20161129_0001picture038pic-027OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAadam-with-fishdrinkin-beer1101082326

Rest In Peace Adam. You will be greatly missed!

Save

Save