Banana Cookies

So I haven’t written in here in a while and I keep telling myself I’m going to but I feel like sometimes I’m just a broken record that keeps writing the same things because feelings don’t really change. However, I’ve said in the past that I was going to use this blog for more than just feelings, and I love to bake and I bake quite often and I see blogs all the time sharing recipes of things that they’ve baked so I figured I can do that too! ๐Ÿ˜€ 

So I had a bunch of over ripe bananas on my counter and I’m always making banana muffins and bread so today we decided to make banana cookies! Plus putting banana in them makes them okay to eat for breakfast right? 

We started by mixing the butter and sugar together. I used melted butter partly because my butter was frozen, and partly because my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe calls for melted butter and I feel it really makes a difference in the texture of the cookies. 

Then came the bananas and the baking soda. I also added some vanilla because I have some awesome natural vanilla that just seems to add a great flavor to everything. 

Then we whisked the flour salt and other spices together. I also added a bit of extra cinnamon into our recipe because when we were pouring it into the teaspoon we had a little mishap ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

Then we mixed the banana mixture with the butter mixture and then mixed in the flour. 

Then we added chocolate chips because that makes everything better! 

My amazing husband bought me a jumbo sized cookie sheet which I have been very excited to try out.  Just look how many F’n cookies this thing can hold!!

So many in fact, I couldn’t fit them all on my wire racks! I did double the recipe though because of the amount of bananas I had.

  I ate about 5, cuz they had bananas in them so it was my breakfast ๐Ÿ˜‰ 


And Z had a few as well, so I’m going to say they were a hit!  I’ll post the recipe below just in case anyone wants it! 

 Banana Cookies Recipe

Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 30-45 minutes minutes Yields: about 84 cookies

Ingredients:

1 cup of unsalted butter (2 sticks), melted 

2 cups of sugar

2 eggs

2 cups of mashed bananas (I used about 5 large bananas)

2 teaspoons of vanilla

2 teaspoons of baking soda

4 cups of flour

1/2 teaspoon of salt

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of nutmeg

2 cups of chocolate chips

Directions:

1 Preheat the oven to 350ยฐF. Beat the butter and sugar together until mixed. Add the eggs and continue to beat until fully mixed.

2 In a separate bowl, mash the bananas then mix with baking soda. Let sit for 2 minutes. The baking soda will react with the acid in the bananas which in turn will give the cookies their lift and rise. Then add vanilla. Pour the banana/ baking soda/ vanilla mixture into the butter mixture and mix thoroughly. 

3 Whisk together the flour, salt, and cinnamon and nutmeg. Add to the banana mixture and mix until just combined.

4 Fold in chocolate chips (if using) into the batter.

5 Drop by teasooonful ( or larger if you wish) onto parchment paper-lined baking sheet. Bake for 11-13 minutes until nicely golden brown. Cool on wire racks.

Here is the link to the recipe I used. I doubled this recipe and changed it up a bit to make it my own above. 

Hope you all enjoy!!

http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/banana_cookies/

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Cupcake Cutie

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you and things change up the daily routine that you’re used to. Lately I haven’t been watching other kids everyday of the week so I’ve been getting more days that are just Z and I together. While I like money, I LOVE my little girl so these days together have been good for my soul! 


On this day we decided to be bakers!  ๐Ÿ™‚ Zenna picked out pink strawberry cupcake mix and purple funfetti frosting for our baking adventure. 

I let Z do as much of it by herself as she could. 

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She did great!

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And of course in keeping up with the pink theme we used Minnie Mouse cupcake cups left over from her birthday party. 


I let her fill the cups with batter as well which was a great test of my patience.  (for those who don’t know, I don’t have any lol) Since we only had just enough Minnie cups to do one batch we used our heart shaped cake pan from grandma Jo Ann for the rest of the batter. 

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While we waited for them to bake and cool we had lunch and made some kool-aid! 

Like I said before I have no patience, so we took the cake out of the pan a little too early and there was some damage. 

But then came the fun/messy part… ๐Ÿ™‚ 

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While Z was busy decorating cupcakes, I was having fun frosting the heart cake (except I mangled the point lol) and playing with different frosting tips. 

Then I gave the cake to Z for some sprinkles… 

And boy did she give it some sprinkles lol. 

It was an amazing day with my beautiful daughter and in the end I couldn’t ask for anything better. These are the moments I hope she will hold onto forever. 

Moment Of Zen

I got an unexpected day off yesterday and I think it was just what I needed. I decided to just have a fun day with Zenna. We started the day off watching Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory snuggled on the couch and then we decided to go out and have some breakfast.ย ย She was so excited. She got banana blueberry pancakes and hot chocolate.ย  That little nugget must’ve really liked it, cuz she ate everything on that plate except for a little bit of eggs.

Then I needed to get my ring checked at the mall so we went there and wandered around for a little bit. She dragged a my little pony around build a bear for a while, gave it a bath and got to help them out putting stuffing in the machine.ย We even played in the photo booth ๐Ÿ™‚ย Once we got home I downloaded an app to make the menu she colored at Denny’s become 3D which was kinda neat.ย 

Then she decided because it was a rainy day she needed to use her rain gear and go jump in the puddles.ย 

 

Then of course she needed a bubble bath to warm up.ย After all that we snuggled in once again on the couch and watched Charlie and the chocolate factory until it was time to go pick up Ben. I think Zenna must’ve had a pretty good day, cuz this was her pretty much the whole car ride. ๐Ÿ™‚After dinner we had family game night and played candy land and Jenga until bedtime. It was such a great day! I think spending the day with Zenna being silly was just what I needed. I love this little girl sooo much and I’m so glad she’s mine!

Angry

I feel like for the past two years I’ve been angry. Since you left I’ve been so so angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t save you. I’m angry that my body didn’t do it’s job. I’m angry that my son, my daughter, my husband, my family has had to go through this. I’m angry that I can’t have my dream of multiple kids. I’m angry that people don’t really seem to care anymore. I’m angry that people don’t seem to think I’m still hurting. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry that god didn’t save you. I’m angry that god didn’t save me. I’m angry that we’ve had to go through this in the first place. I’m angry that time makes it easier to deal with because underneath I am angry that the raw gut wrenching soul crushing pain never goes away. I’m angry that no matter what I did or how much I prayed god still took you anyway. I’m angry that people act like you never existed. I’m angry that people who should care you existed don’t. I’m angry that I can’t hug and kiss my baby boy anytime I damn well please. I’m angry that I have to watch other people in the world have babies they ignore, neglect, abuse or don’t even want when I would give anything to see you for just 1 minute. I’m angry that my daughter at 4 year old knows all too well what death is. I’m angry that she never got to meet her baby brother. I’m angry that she has had to see her mommy cry sooo much that she automatically knows “miss Renix mama”. I’m angry that people can go on with their lives like nothing happened. I’m angry that no one says your name. I’m angry that come holidays and other celebrations you are not even mentioned by most of our family. I’m angry that after two years I’m still so angry. I’m angry that I’ve been told my whole life to “give it to god” “have faith” “just pray” and yet I did all those things and he still took you from me. I’m angry that my husband will never get his son. I’m angry my daughter won’t know what it’s like to have that sibling who you wanna murder one minute but you know would always be there for you the next. I’m angry that I still wake up wishing it was all a bad dream. I’m angry that it comes so easy and natural to some people who don’t even want it or care while others suffer wanting so badly to have that child. I’m angry that I feel bad for wanting to share your picture. I’m angry that I can’t hang your picture on my wall with out fear of what others would say or think. I’m angry that I can’t share your pictures on fb and tell people how you’re doing. I’m angry that even the pictures I do have of you, no one wants to see. I’m angry that I can’t talk to you. I’m angry that anytime I’m asked how many kids I have I either have to lie and feel guilty or explain “my son died” I’m angry that my daughter has had to explain to others “Renix died, his heart stopped beating” I’m angry that she she even knows what it is. I’m angry that it feels like no one understands and those that do certainly don’t need my burdens on top of their own. I’m angry that I spend my days taking care of others peoples children but don’t get to take care of you. I’m angry that when people do ask or talk to me about my feelings I get a lot of them telling me how I should feel instead of just letting me feel whatever I want. I’m angry that’s it’s so fucking cold out I don’t even wanna go outside to use my punching bag. I’m angry that I’m still so angry and don’t know what to do about it. I’m angry that most of this anger seems to come out on my husband and my daughter even though I don’t mean for it or want it too. I’m angry that even writing in here just feels like I’m repeating the same things I’ve already said over and over and over. Im angry. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY! Why my son? Why my family? Why didn’t god save him? Why couldn’t I save him? What could I have done differently? Why is my son not right fucking here in my arms where he belongs??? 

Missing You

I miss you. 

There’s not much more to say. 

My heart has been broken since the day you went away. 

I woke up in tears, with you in my heart

Longing for just one second of you in my arms. 

I think of you often and talk to you too

Can you hear me baby? I hope that you do

I tell you I’m sorry and how I love you so 

That I would’ve done anything for you not to go. 

I tell you I miss you and your daddy does too

And so does your sister, she loves to talk about you. 

If love could have saved you, you’d be just fine 

Cuz we love you so so much sweet child of mine. 

I try to be happy, I try to stay strong 

But my heart has shattered since you’ve been gone. 

My life is a lot different, I’m a changed person now 

Will it ever go back or get easier? I don’t really see how

Losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

It’s hard to believe tomorrow you would be turning two. 

I hope that you hear us when we drive by your park 

Cuz every time we yell “love you Renix” and wave from the car

I’m so sorry my body wouldn’t let you grow

I’d have done anything to change it if I could’ve you know

You’re my sweet baby boy, my one and only son

I sometimes imagine the things you’d have done

Would you be into video games and computers like dad

Would you be tall or short? What color hair would you have had? 

It’s hard not to dwell on the what could’ve been

But I know that someday I will see you again 

I love you my son, I hope this you know

I’m so so so so sorry that you had to go 

I miss you

There’s not much more to say

My hearts been broken since the day you went away

Love and Loss

Today is the service of an old friend. Actually an old Love. One I hadn’t seen a long time, and hadn’t actually hung out with for even longer. Love and loss are funny like that, they bring people and things into your life very unexpectedly.

I found out recently my ex-boyfriend Adam passed away. He wasn’t my last ex before getting married. And he wasn’t my first technical boyfriend, but he was my first love. He was my high school sweetheart if you will..

We started dating in 2001. He was my first “real” boyfriend, (you know that lasted more than a couple weeks) and we were together until 2008. He was a huge part of my life for a very long time. I experienced several things for the first time, good and bad, with him and our group of friends; who I am still friends with a few of to this day. In fact if it wasn’t for my relationship with Adam I never would have met my husband Ben. I have so many memories of hanging out in the cafeteria in the high school, just BS-ing about whatever it is high school kids talk about, friends, cars, drugs, sex, dating, teachers… who knows.

That’s where this was taken.

He took me to my first Homecoming dance.

We would spend almost everyday hanging out in his room after school. Watching anime, listening to music, getting stoned.. being carefree teenagers with nothing to lose. Adam had a huge influence on my music tastes, even to this day, he introduced me to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, he helped me discover punk rock like NOFX and the Misfits, Dead Kennedy’s, Dead Milkmen, the list goes on and on..

adam-jennyMade by Samsung DVC

His family was always so nice to me. I felt like they were my extra family. I ate dinner there almost every night, and I would be back there as soon as I was allowed to leave the house again the next day. I picked on his siblings like they were my own, but also made sure Adam wasn’t too mean to them. I practically lived there, but his parents never complained. They always treated me like I was one of their own and for that I will forever be grateful.

We used to spend weekends camping and fishing at his family’s place on William’s lake. I’m not sure I ever actually caught a fish up there, but it is some times in my life I will never forget. We’d swim and fish and hike around in the woods looking for places to hangout. We’d drive around and explore the area and have so much fun going on “adventures to do stuff and things”.

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He was my first roommate, him and I and moved into a townhouse apartment with our friend Darrell. All of our friends hung out there, we drank, we partied, got into trouble, it’s times of my life I will never forget!img_20161129_0011img_20161129_0002

Then we moved into a trailer house together, which again are memories I will forever cherish. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I’m having a hard time finding the right words to express my feelings today.

Adam,

You were such a huge part of my life for a very long time. You had an effect and influence on who I am to this very day. You were my first boyfriend, my first love, my first dance, my first roommate, my first adult relationship,  my first heartbreak,  more firsts and more memories than I can even begin to try to write down. Though we didn’t always see eye to eye and things didn’t end the way we thought they would, you were and will forever be a very important part of my life. You were always so unique. You marched to beat of your own drum since the day we met. You were kind and funny. You loved animals.You brought Buddy home one day from work cuz someone had found him and no one was claiming him. The people that found him were calling him Prince Charming, but you decided his name was going to be Buddy because you had the song “My Name Is Bud” by NOFX stuck in your head that day. We had so many fun times together. I am sorry I never got to say goodbye.  You always had a huge heart, a beautiful soul and you will be greatly missed on this earth by many many people.

Peace Adam.

Love Jenny

My heart is breaking for his family today and the last several days, and in the days to come, no one should ever have to plan their child’s funeral. I wish there was something I could do to help ease their pain. I am so incredibly sorry that they are having to go through all of this.

Mitch, Kelly, Bronson, and Cortney you have always been like extra family to me. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers daily since I heard about Adam. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for your family, and I am sending all the love I have your way today and in the days to come.

Since I can’t seem to find the right words here are some pictures of our memories together and times I will forever cherish.

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Rest In Peace Adam. You will be greatly missed!

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Moment of Zenย 

I just had to share and write it down cuz I found it so funny. We’re driving last night and Z sees wacky inflatable arm flailing tube man and she’s all excited and watching it then she says “why does the tube man bend over like a sad French fry?”

Ben and I busted up laughing. I love that little girl so much. She brings joy to my life every single day and I’m so glad she’s my little miracle!

Jenny Crockerย 

It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I guess I just keep coming back to the same feelings I’ve had for almost two years now. I miss my son. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced and more than anything I could ever begin to explain. I’m angry and frustrated. I’m sad and disappointed. It just hurts. 

It happened last year and I can feel it happening again this year where from about September (when we had our first ultrasound) to December (when we lost him) I have this overwhelming feeling of…just sadness. I’m not really sure how to explain it. It’s like this constant feeling of something’s wrong and something’s missing but during these months it’s amplified….a lot…and there isn’t anything I can do about it. 

Anyway I feel like I’m just a broken record so that’s why I haven’t been writing much. But I said I was going to use this blog for happy things as well and not just a sad outlet but a happy one too. 

I love to bake. Mostly cuz I love to eat my creations ;). My wonderful husband bought be a kitchen aid mixer for my birthday just recently and so I’ve been looking for any exscuse I can get to use it. 

I’ve made chocolate chip cookies of course, and mashed potatoes and yesterday I made my first ever from scratch French bread. 


It sounded like it was working pretty hard on the dough but it worked like a charm! 

Then I let it rise for about an hour and like magic it was doubled in size ๐Ÿ™‚ 


Then I got to actually use my rolling pin for its intended purpose for the first time and rolled out two big rectangles and then rolled those into loaves. 

I then let it rise again and like magic they too doubled in size ๐Ÿ™‚ 


At this point I’m thinking this is waaaaay too much bread just to have with our stew for dinner for my husband and I and a 4 year old, but it was too late to turn back now ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture after I took them out of the oven but here is the loaf we didn’t eat for dinner last night. 


All in all it was pretty good. The crust was a little crunchier than I would have preferred but otherwise I’d say it turned out pretty good for my first time making bread! ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Handling Feelings

Even though I’ve said it many times now I’m not sure people are hearing me. I am not the same person I used to be. Whether anyone wants to see it or not, losing my son has changed me as a person. Probably forever. I was always taught to show people respect, to treat others how you want to be treated, to be kind to people, to help those that need it. I have always been that kind of person. If you need me I’ll be there. I have a very organized mind and I like to have a plan or at least some details about whatever situation I am in. While most of this is still true. I have a limit to the amount of other people’s shit that I can take anymore. I’ve never been able to tell people no when they ask me to do something even if I don’t want to, even if it will add more stress to my plate, even if it’s something they could have done themselves. But this habit of being a people pleaser is stopping now. I am not that same person anymore. When I get too much other added stress it pushes me past a breaking point. Maybe it’s the grief, the PTSD, my emotional personality or maybe it’s all of the above, but once I hit that point I can not control the emotions and anger that come out. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch things, and most times I do all three because the overwhelming emotion that takes over is too much to handle.

 I’ve got to start figuring out how to put not just my family but also myself first. I don’t have to please everyone. I don’t have to care what other people think. I don’t have to feel bad for not being able to or not wanting to help them with something. I have a right to express the way I’m feeling whether it’s justified or not. I’m not perfect even when I try not to let my emotions take over even when I try to stay calm sometimes I just can’t. Maybe it’s not the right way to handle a situation and maybe no one can tell but I’ve actually been trying pretty hard to try to keep my emotions in check when talking to somebody. However people are emotional creatures and we tend to react to those emotions instantly when in certain situations. 

I’ve never handled being yelled at very well. If someone starts yelling at me or telling me to do something. Usually it just makes me want to start yelling back and do the opposite of whatever I’m being told to do. It’s not a very effective way of communication. Lately I’ve tried to start actually talking to people and tell them how I am feeling versus just letting it eat away at me. However I’m not sure if this is what’s best either because people tend to get emotional during serious conversations and this can sometimes make the matters even worse. 10x worse. The problem with people is we all have feelings and sometimes those feelings get hurt even when someone didn’t mean to hurt them. Sometimes feelings get hurt because we misunderstood a conversation or a situation. Sometimes it’s because someone treats us a certain way or says a certain thing. It’s hard to have a straightforward honest conversation without feelings getting in the way. So what is the right thing to do in a situation of this nature? Should you talk to someone about your feelings and risk them getting hurt or upset and things ending up worse than they were before. Should you keep them all in till you can’t take it anymore and explode? If you do talk to them how do you stop feelings and emotions from getting in the way and turning the whole conversation in the wrong direction. Where do you draw the line on what to say or how to say it. Do you tell someone all the little things that are bothering you before they become bigger or do you just stick to the big stuff to avoid hurting feeling as much as possible? But then you are still not talking about everything that’s bothering you and there could still be unresolved issues there. But again where’s the line. If you start telling someone every little thing they do that bugs you they are going to get hurt and it’s not going to accomplish anything. But is letting them keep bugging you the right thing thing to do? I can’t see how.