Two weeks ago today we found out our son had no heartbeat. 3 days later for the second time in our lives we had to leave the hospital empty handed after having a baby. Do you know how hard that is? It’s one of the worst feelings in the entire world! A little over two years go, the first time we left empty handed, was a little easier. She was alive. But we were still scared for her life for a while. She had several ups and downs and as they tend to be, her NICU stay was a bit of a roller coaster. She is our little miracle though and 44 days after she was born we got to bring her home. She still only weighed 4lbs, had to be on a heart monitor, and we had to buy a new car-seat that was legal for under 5lbs, but we finally got to bring her home and hold her, and feed her, and change her, and dress her in all her cute outfits, and do all the things you normally do with a new baby once you get them home, but on our own schedule without nurses and doctors watching over us or telling us when it was okay to touch our own child.
Today we get to bring our son home. It’s bittersweet really. He’ll finally get to come home with his family, but in a little marble container with his name on it instead of in a car-seat or in my arms. He doesn’t need a crib, or bottles or any of the things you normally need when a baby comes home. He just needs someplace to sit. Forever as a box full of ashes.
It’s so fucking unfair! It’s absolute bullshit!! I have no other words! I’m so ANGRY!! I just want to scream! My baby didn’t deserve this! My husband, my daughter, my family didn’t deserve this! I didn’t deserve this!!! Nobody deserves this! My son is still supposed to be growing in my belly and I’m supposed to be planning a baby shower not a memorial service! I feel as if a piece of me is missing. Because it is. I can’t hug, and hold, and cuddle his urn! I want my baby boy!!
Okay rant over. For now.
We have decided that we are going to keep a small amount in the urn we had made and spread the rest of his ashes as a family, just Ben, Zenna and I. We are going to wait for it to be a little warmer and the ground to be a little less frozen when we do it. We are going to release balloons at the same time and send him messages of love from his family. Then maybe sometime this spring around his due date (April 22) we will do a bigger balloon release with family and friends if they would like to send him messages of love with us as well.
I guess mostly I just needed to rant for a minute today. I’m glad we finally get to bring our son home, but I’m so upset, angry, and heartbroken, over the circumstances in which it is happening. Weren’t we supposed to have flying Delorean time machines by now? Wheres mine? Because I’d give just about anything for one. Though I guess what would it change? There’s nothing I nor the doctors could have done differently that would have helped him. And I guess therein lies the problem with my faith right now.
Of every waking hour
I’m choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I’ve haven’t said enough…
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion”