Disclaimer: I have the mouth of a well educated sailor, especially if I am angry, so proceed with caution and be warned of offensive language contained within this post.
I know that anger is a natural reaction to grief and some of that I understand. Like in other posts I’ve expressed my anger with god and religion and how angry I am at the situation and that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Today I have a different kind of anger and I don’t know if it’s normal or not, but I have to get it out. I debated on writing this one, because of the people that might read it, but then decided I don’t care. I’m so fucking done caring about others people’s feelings when most don’t even care about mine. I’m so fucking done worrying about how other people feel when I don’t even know how to get a handle on my own fucking feelings. Today my anger comes from a different place. I am angry with people!! Don’t get me wrong there have been some amazing people out there who have been there for us and supported us. People I’ve never even met have donated money to our fund, and people I haven’t actually seen since high school other than on Facebook have been some of my most kind and supportive friends. I appreciate all those people and all the things everyone has done for us and I need people to know that before reading this. I am venting. That’s what this has been for from the start.
I’m angry at selfish people. I’m angry at inconsiderate people. I’m angry at people that are supposed to be there for us but aren’t. Some of the most important people in our lives who are just assholes plain and simple. I know I probably brought some of this on myself by being so up and active right after surgery, but I still fucking hurt A LOT and I don’t think people get that. I had major surgery two weeks ago, two weeks ago my entire abdomen was cut open all my muscles and organs pushed aside or cut through as well and then a tiny person was cut out of me. Besides the emotional pain, which is still sooo much to bear. I hurt!! It hurts when I sit up, it hurts when I stand up, it hurts when I walk, it hurts when I laugh, it hurts when I sneeze, it hurts to walk up stairs, it hurts to lift my legs too high, it hurts to bend over, it hurts to stretch, it hurts to do absolutely anything that moves any of my stomach muscles whatsoever!! And every single fucking time it hurts I am reminded that I had to have a baby but I have no fucking baby! Now I know that I am not the only person in the world who has had a c-section I know others out there know that pain, but sometimes I wish more of the people around me would understand. I saw something on pinterest last night that kind of sums it up nicely. I’m also adding my own thoughts to it. I hate when people see me cry, because I am trying to be strong, because I don’t like to make others sad or uncomfortable, but on the other hand I hate how nobody notices how torn apart and broken I am. They think that life should just automatically be back to normal now. I know that it has been two weeks and to everyone else its old news now. It’s not at the front of their minds anymore and they’ve processed it and moved on. I haven’t. I can’t. It’s something as simple as people understanding that it’s hard for me to even leave my house. I don’t want to. It’s hurts to leave my little bubble of safety. Even if it’s just going to another family members house. I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to do anything!!! If it wasn’t for my husband and my daughter, I’d have probably become a hermit who never gets out of bed and just cries all the time. I don’t even want to do the normal everyday things around my house that I used to enjoy. I just don’t feel like it and people don’t understand that. Plus I hurt, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted actually. Do you know how much energy it takes your body to heal from an incision like that? The doctors say at least 6 weeks, I’ve had barely 2. Do you know how much energy it takes to not let all the fucking emotions piling up in my body take over my everyday life and being and just have a complete and total breakdown?!? I don’t think many people do. Part of this is where my anger is coming in. We had friends over last night. We played games and they were drinking. Even playing the game I had to sit forward on the couch for a couple of hours. That hurts. Did anyone notice or care? Did anyone ask if we could move it closer to help? Did anyone care that I didn’t even want to play that game in the first place? Did anyone even ask me how I’m doing? Nope.
Then I wake up this morning and get up with Z so Ben can sleep in and what is the first thing I get to do? Clean up everyone else’s fucking garbage. The people who were over last night weren’t new friends or anything like that they know we have a recycle bin for cans and bottle and they know where it is. I guess though as usual, they all forgot how to open the door and walk two extra fucking feet to throw away their cans and bottles because I got to clean up fucking beer cans, and empty beer bottles, old fast food soda cups, and other garbage this morning, when none of it was mine, plus the loaf of bread that was in our freezer on top of the ice trays must have been inconvenient for someone because it was left out on my counter, that bread was in the freezer for a fucking reason, I didn’t even fucking drink last night, I had surgery two fucking weeks ago I’m so far buried under emotions I don’t even know how to live my own everyday life, but people don’t think about that. Don’t worry Jenny will clean it up. She always does. That’s just a drop in the bucket at my anger right now though.
My poor husband, his heart hurts so bad, but he has to get up and face everyday life and go to work and do his job, and same thing, people there have moved on and lost interest, while he is still struggling just to do everyday tasks, but people don’t see it. He has one of the biggest hearts in this whole world and I’m so lucky that he is mine. The day after our son died my husband was talking to the forget me not people asking them how he can help. Telling them how he is a photographer and would be willing to take pictures for families that needed it, or offering his video services to make memorial videos for other families in our situation or even other situations where babies don’t make it, like in the NICU or PICU. Here we are standing in same room as our dead son and my husband is offering his help to others, he is asking what he can do to help other people, he’s telling this nurse yes please call me, we want to be involved, we want to help, we want to offer video memorials to these families who only have a few precious memories with their babies all while I know his heart is broken too. As I’ve said before my husband is amazing.
The point is on top of all we’ve had to go through my husband has two people in his life who are very important people to him, and even though I’d like too I’m not going to name them, not that they would bother reading this anyway, but these two important people in his life have not even bothered to pick up the phone and ask how he’s doing. One of them should be affected by this too in some ways, but apparently is too much of an asshole to even give a shit about the feelings of someone that is supposed to be important to them. Is too much of an asshole to even acknowledge that this horrible thing happened to us and that Ben might be hurting and is to much of an asshole to even pick up a fucking phone and make a 2 second phone call to ask how Ben is doing. That’s all it would have taken from this person to avoid my husband being hurt, but even that was too much to ask. He understands that sometimes things like this are hard for people to deal with and process, and so he’s understood a little why he hadn’t heard from this person right at first. But it’s been two fucking weeks, this person should at least have enough common fucking courtesy for someone they are supposed to care about to at least ask if he’s fucking ok, but couldn’t even bother to do that. Then on top of that that my poor husband gets to hear that part of the reason he hasn’t heard from this person is because we don’t wanna hear what they have to say because (and I’m adding my own words into what they said as well for my own sarcastic angry pleasure) They know everything and how everything will turn out, and is always right, and apparently told us that we should never have even tried again because of what happened with our first. The way I hear that says to me “you brought this on yourself so I guess you deserved it and I don’t care because I told you so” And even if that is what this person truly believes and even if they didn’t give one ounce of care about Renix (which would be fucked up in and of itself if you ask me), they should care about Ben enough to at least fucking call him and ask if he’s doing okay. I’d like to say I’ve decided that I’m not speaking to this person anymore unless I have to, I’d like to give this person a piece of my fucking mind for hurting my husband who is truly just an amazing person and doesn’t deserve someone in his life hurting him like that. But I know my husband wouldn’t let me do either of those things, because no matter how much of an asshole this person is my husband still and will always care about them. The other person I could rant about forever, I’ve had my issues with them for a long time. Someone who claims to be a “best friend” someone who Ben was there for when they suffered a sudden tragic loss of their own, once again can not even be bothered to pick up the fucking phone and send a text, an email, anything, that asks how he’s doing. I’m so angry that on top of everything else we’re going through that my husband has to have his feelings hurt extra on top of how much he’s hurting already because these two fucking assholes who are supposed to care about him don’t actually care about anyone but themselves.
I know anger probably isn’t the healthiest of emotions to have right now, which is part of why I decided to write this post just to help get some of it out of my head. I just wish people could understand. When I say I don’t want to do something, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to come over, I don’t want to go to dinner, I don’t want to do anything!!! I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what to do with myself on a daily basis that I’m tired of having to worry about other peoples feelings too. Please understand I am in pain. Physically and emotionally. I am in more pain than I have ever been in my entire life. I try to pretend I’m ok, I try to pretend I’m strong, I try to pretend life is getting back to normal, the tears aren’t as frequent, but the pain never goes away. The physical pain will go away eventually, but I need people to understand life isn’t back to normal. I still hurt. Physically I still hurt. Most people after a major surgery take some pretty strong drugs to help, I’ve only been taking ibuprofen because I don’t like how any of the other drugs make me feel, I know this is my choice and I’m fine with that, but people need to understand this means I am still in fucking pain. Emotionally, if I was a different person, if I didn’t have two wonderful people to get out of bed for every morning. I’m not sure I’d have been able to handle it. Again, I hurt! I hurt so bad all I wanna do for every second of every day is cry. I hurt so bad that it takes a serious amount of effort to build up the energy just to get dressed, to take a shower, to eat, to breathe. I need people to understand, if I don’t wanna come over, if I don’t wanna go somewhere, I don’t wanna go to dinner, or the store, or a movie, or even just to hang out it’s not me being lazy, or difficult or stubborn, it’s because it hurts. I can’t go to the store, turn on the tv, or movies, or even music, I can’t scroll through facebook mindlessly, I can’t even play my fucking sims games, without being reminded that I lost my son. Whether it’s seeing someone else pregnant, or seeing baby things, or hearing a song that reminds me of him, or knowing that when I turn on my sims games I have a baby character named Renix, and all these reminders just bring me back to square one. All this anger isn’t helping either. I think this is my longest post so far so hopefully some of this venting will help because with all the pain, the anger, and the emotions I’m still having to continue to tell myself…just keep breathing..