Life Goes On

As many people know, when something bad or sad happens to us it feels like the world stops. It feels like your world has stopped, but life keeps going. I was asked how I was holding up this weekend, the words that came out without me even really thinking about it were “life goes on”. I’ve keen kicking myself around since then thinking that sounds like a pretty cold thing to say after your child dies, but I’ve realized that is exactly what happens. It’s not that it’s not a big deal, but life doesn’t stop whether you want it to or not. You feel like it should. You feel like everyone should stop everything they are doing and just cry for your loss, you want everyone to know how you feel and understand that you’re in pain and life isn’t so easy anymore, while at the same time you’d never wish the pain on anyone else ever because it’s the worst kind of pain imaginable. But life goes on. I have to continue to breathe. Ben has to keep going to work. Life keeps going. Some days are better than others. Some days I don’t wake up in tears and am able to carry on with life with whats left of the broken shell of the person I was before. Other days, I wake up and the tears are just there, falling down my cheeks as I open my eyes. This is my reality. This isn’t some terrible dream I get to wake up from. This isn’t some sad tv show I can turn off and not watch anymore. This is my life. Sad and broken. Obviously not every moment is like that. I have a beautiful daughter who brings me more joy than I could ever have imagined. She forces me to get out of bed and go on with life. She forces me to keep going. She is what makes life go on. On the mornings when I wake up in tears she is right there, she hugs me, or rubs my arm, and says “mommy you ok?” and I have to smile. This innocent little voice asking if I’m ok, yes baby, I’m ok for you and because of you. I have to be ok because she needs me to be. I don’t feel ok, but for her I pretend to be with all the strength I have.

It’s been a little over a month now since Renix died. Some days it feels like it was yesterday still. It’s still hard to believe that it was all real. That I’m not pregnant anymore. That’s strange in and of itself. You go from the last 5 months of being pregnant, where you can’t do certain things or eat certain things etc, to all the sudden your not pregnant anymore, but you also don’t have a new baby, so it’s like life just threw you back a few spaces but now your game piece is shattered and your forced to figure out how to put it back together just so you can keep playing a game your not sure if you even want to play anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s your life. That it wasn’t a dream. That my baby boy is now just ashes in an urn on my shelf and an angel in my heart. It’s so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that is my life now. Everyone else has moved on. People aren’t asking as much if I’m ok. No one is bringing dinner anymore or asking what they can do, and that’s fine I didn’t expect it to last forever, but it also breaks my heart because it means they’ve all moved on. They’ve all processed my loss and moved forward as people do. I don’t know how. I feel like I’m expected to be back to normal now, because everyone else is, but I still feel the same. I still feel the overwhelming amount of pain in my heart. I still feel the brokenness of my soul. I still feel the tears well up in my eyes when someone hugs me for just a split second too long. Just this morning as Ben hugged me when he was leaving for work I started crying. He asked what was wrong and I just said life and he asked “Life is wrong?” That’s exactly what it is. Life is wrong. This isn’t the way my life was supposed to go. This isn’t the way Renix’s life was supposed to go. This isn’t the way any of this was supposed to go. Life is wrong! I should be complaining about my growing belly and aches and pains or being worried about this baby coming early like his sister did. I never in my worst nightmares imagined this is how life was going to be. That I would become this angry, irritated, sad, broken shell of a person. That I would stop wanting to do.. well.. anything. That I would have to muster up all the strength I have just to get out of bed every morning. That no matter where I am or what I’m doing I have a sadness that follows me like a dark cloud. Just recently I was getting my nails done with my step mom and sister and was asked to see my new tattoo. Then the nail lady was like oh what did you get? And there I am again, either forced to lie, or tell the story to a stranger and watch their demeanor change as they are now thrown off guard and don’t know what else to say to me. I could have just simply said it’s my sons footprints, but my daughter was there with us, and they would have asked oh where is he? and I still would have had to say it anyway, I had a baby and he died. There it is. My sad reality. But I guess I will just keep going, keep doing the best I can for myself my daughter and my husband, and that’s all I really can do, because whether I want it to or not… Life goes on…

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