Going Forward

I know I haven’t been writing as much and some people have been wondering. I guess I haven’t been writing as much because I would just keep saying the same things I have been saying. My heart hurts. I can barely type the words without tears welling up in my eyes. I’m doing ok though. Life is moving forward. People don’t ask if I am ok anymore. Not really anyway. People don’t even really talk about it anymore. Not unless I bring it up. I’m just supposed to be over it like everyone else. I’m just supposed to pretend life is normal and everythings ok. If I bring it up or say anything then I’m depressing people, but I’ve decided I don’t care. My son is not going to be forgotten because his life got cut short and was tragic. I will continue to talk about him. I will continue to tell you how I feel or say hey I’m not having a very good day. Or I will say I have two children. I’ve had two c-sections. I’ve had two pregnancies. I realize people are just trying to help and no one really knows what to say to me or they don’t want to make me cry, but I would almost prefer the crying because then at least I would know people are still thinking about him. People still care that he’s gone. It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like people care about me, and how I am doing which is great don’t get me wrong, but no one actually cares about Renix. He was just a sad thing that happened to us and people were sad and sorry for us but not because of losing him but because of me losing him. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. I know not everyone is that way and there are a few people out there who are suffering the loss and missing him like I am, but if feels as if most don’t understand and are over his life and that makes me sad. I want people to talk about my son. I want people to talk to me about him. I don’t want his life to be just a sad event that happened that no one ever speaks about. He was my son and he was just as much a part of my life and my heart as the living breathing child watching cartoons on my couch right now. I love them both with all my heart and it hurts sooooo much to think that people have forgotten about him or are just over the fact that his life got cut short and he is gone. It didn’t change anyone else’s daily life, so I guess I can’t expect people to stop life or anything. That’s not what I’m saying anyways. Just wish it wasn’t so taboo. I wish people weren’t afraid to talk to me about him. I wish people would stop pretending when they see me that nothing happened and everything is normal because it’s not. I still feel as if I just lost him, I probably always will. Life is going forward, I am trying to go with it but having a really hard time. People just don’t get it and that is so hard. I’m in pain and heartbroken, but I am having to tell people how to deal with me, how to talk to me, what’s ok to talk about. It’s not fair. I understand completely that people don’t wanna bring up a sad subject or make me sad, but it’s ok really. I want you too. I want to know that people out there actually give a shit about my son. I know I am loved. I know I have a ton of family and friends that worried about me and prayed for me and I know that Renix would have been loved just as much by all of them, but I feel like since he didn’t get to meet them or be introduced to them that most of those people don’t even really acknowledge his existence or the effect it all had on me. I feel like most people just think I had a miscarriage and lost a pregnancy and think “Oh sad poor Jenny” I don’t want people to feel bad or sad for me. I am alive. I get to keep going. I want people to be sad and feel bad for my son, I want people to miss him even if they didn’t get to meet him. I want people to treat me, us/him, my family, like most people do when someone in their family dies. Like most the time when someone dies people send flowers or cards. I think I got 1 or 2 cards, and the only flowers I received were from my husband and my mom after I was upset and said “I thought people sent flowers when someone dies, where are my god damn flowers?” Please don’t take all this the wrong way. I am so incredibly grateful for everything everyone did for us donating money and bringing us dinner and things of that nature, I am not complaining at all but merely trying to explain how I feel and I don’t even know if it’s making any sense. I guess it just feels like most people think and feel or treat me like something sad happened to me, which it did, but it was sooo much more than that. I know I have said it lots of time, but I didn’t just lose a pregnancy, I didn’t have a miscarriage, I didn’t have just some tragic event happen to me. I had a baby, I had a son, my one and only, and he died. I had to chose which funeral home to send him too, I had to choose to have him buried or cremated, I had to choose to have a service or not, I had to choose an urn or casket, or whether to have him cremated in a casket. I had to hold my baby in my arms and then tell him goodbye forever, and the pain of all that is still sooooooo strong in my heart and my thoughts, but it makes it even harder when people act like it never even happened or that something sad happened to me but it happens to a lot of people so it’s no big deal. Or like life is back to normal for them so it should be for me too. I don’t even know if any of that will make sense to people. I actually didn’t intend to go on a rant about my feelings like this, apparently I needed it. I was just going to tell anyone interested enough to read this that I am doin ok, still heartbroken and sad, still don’t feel like doing anything with anyone for any reason. Still wish I could crawl in a hole forever, but won’t because I have people who need me.  But I guess I needed to get more out than I realized. Also, I am planning on writing the story of Renix. I read an article about a lady who went through something similar and it helped her to tell someone the story of her child from beginning to end all in one sitting, and I think I need to do something similar. I am going to try to write the story of Renix from the day we found out we were pregnant to the day we lost him and the sorrow thereafter. It might take me a while, so if I stop writing in here for a while I am probably working on that. I will post it when I am finished. I will probably continue to use this as a outlet for my feelings as I have been doing though because even if no one is reading it or it doesn’t make sense it helps me to at least get it out of my head.

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