I just want to say Thank You, to all of you who commented, texted, called, messaged etc. to check on us yesterday.
It was a hard day, but we got through it together. Ben took the day off and I am so glad he did because it would have been a much harder day to deal with on my own.
We decided to go just us together as a family to spread his ashes at Camp Caro yesterday. We thought that would be a good place, since it’s named after my family, it’s close so we can visit, and he can be in nature. Being so small and that we saved some ashes for his urn too, there really wasn’t much to spread so instead we dug a little hole in between three trees, which we decided were representative of Ben, Zenna and I, and poured them in with some flower seeds and made a little rock heart around it. Our hope is that he will be one with nature and have new life helping the flowers, plants and trees grow.
It was really hard to watch what was left of my baby be poured into the ground. I would give anything to be able to have him here with us instead. It felt like I was saying goodbye to him once again. It feels like I have had to say goodbye to him so many times. When we found out his heart stopped, when he was born, when we had to leave the hospital without him, when we left him at the funeral home after making the decision to cremate him, and now when we left his ashes in the park.
They say time makes it easier, and in some ways it does, but in those moments when I am overcome with sadness, when I am hit with the pain and emotions and overwhelming grief at the moments when I least expect it, it makes it all so raw again. Like it just happened yesterday. When I cry and hold his urn or my bear or am just thinking about him and crying, it doesn’t feel any easier, it doesn’t feel like the pain has lessened at all.
Hopefully, after the balloon release this weekend, I’ll have more closure. We’ve spread his ashes, and we’re going to show him some love from so many people who care about him and hopefully he’ll be watching and know how much we love him and miss him. And I think it will help me to see others sending him love as well.
I’m doing the best I can to get through all this. There is no instruction manual. There is no set of rules. There isn’t a time out. I’m carrying around so much pain and sadness that it’s literally exhausting. It really helps me to know that people are thinking about us, and Renix. I know people don’t know what to say all the time or are afraid to bring it up, but it really does help. I want to know people are thinking about him. And all the hugs, even the virtual ones, helped me a ton yesterday also. Thank you!