Yesterday was one of those days where I just wanted to lock myself in the dungeon room and never come out. I was ready to give up. I was not having a very good day dealing with life.
But then I talked to a very wise old man (my dad) and he told me how proud of me he was, of how well Ben and I have stuck by each other and supported each other, of how strong we have been, of how we are handling everything that comes at us, he told me how much he loved me, and then he told me when times are bad, and you just want to give up, to focus on what is good instead, and to be thankful for the things I do have.
We all have those days where we just want to give up, but what proves how strong we are is that we don’t, we keep going. We keep pushing through. I’ve had several of those days in the last few months, but yesterday was one of the worst in a long time. I’m just tired. I’m so tired. I’m tired of trying to be stronger than I feel. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of not wanting to do anything. I’m tired, literally, physically, mentally, and emotionally tired.
I know my post yesterday was a little dark, but I just really needed to get all that frustration, and anger, and depression out of my head. I was not ok. Sometimes it is all just to much to take and I am not ok and I can’t hold on anymore and I just breakdown, but I am to stubborn to give up. As much as I want to sometimes, I know that is not the answer. So I might whine like hell, but I am not giving up. I will push through, I will continue to fight, I will continue trying to be strong, and hopefully someday I will be happy again, for more than a moment, for more than a day, hopefully someday I will be genuinely, thoroughly happy, because that is the mommy that my little girl deserves, and that is the mommy that my little boy would want me to be.