It’s been 6 months since we lost our baby boy. It’s funny, six months can feel like such a long time, and it can also feel like no time at all, and it can feel like both all at the same time. I kissed his urn this morning and told him I love him, like I do most days, but this morning it brought me to tears, it does other times too, but not always. This morning though it’s really hard not to think of the what if’s … I try not to.. I try not to dwell on those things because they are not possible but sometimes I just can’t help it.
What if his heart would have been beating still that day? Would he have been delivered right then? Would he still have died? Would he have made it but had severe complications or problems from being so early and small? What if he had been born alive, how early would he have been? What if none of that happened and he was born healthy like his sister or even better at full term, how different would life be right now with two kids around. How different would life be right now if this tragedy hadn’t changed our lives forever? How different would life be right now if Z got to be able to meet and play with her little brother?
Sometimes it still feels like it was still yesterday, sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with the sadness and the pain that it literally takes all my willpower to get out of bed and keep going. Other days it’s easier for some reason. I guess probably the band aid of time. But there still and probably will never be a day that goes by that I don’t think about him or miss him. I can close my eyes and see his little face..his little tiny nose..his cute little mouth..his itty bitty ears… I close my eyes and I can go back to that day, the hardest day of my life, when I got to hold my son for the first and last time. I close my eyes and I see him in my arms, touching his tiny fingers and holding his tiny feet and just saying over and over and over again “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry” to him and to my husband. Because no matter what anyone says, it is my body that failed them.
If I have learned one thing from losing Renix though it is this and It’s not always possible but a good goal to strive for… never take anyone, or anything for granted. Never take one day, one minute, or even one second for granted because you never know when it will all be taken away. Tell people how you feel about them, hug them, help them, love them. Be kind to one another because you only get one life and we never know how long that life is going to last.