Understanding The Situation

There’s something I really need to get off my chest. I don’t know how many people actually read this anymore, but I hope people see this one. It’s been 7 months now since we lost Renix. It still hurts. always. But what also hurts is the people who don’t understand what happened to him. Even close family members who should know, but obviously haven’t listened to me or just formed their own opinions. I keep hearing comments from people that are really pissing me off. I need to address them and explain myself the best I can.

I’ve had comments from people in the last several months that are extremely hurtful and they don’t even realize it.  I’ve had people tell me that if we tried again and I lost weight maybe things would go better. I’ve had people tell me if I ate better and healthier that maybe I wouldn’t have had complications with both my kids. I have had people telling me to take different vitamins and hormones and other drugs, saying maybe I am missing something and my body could do better next time. People asking if we are going to try again because maybe the next time it will go better if I do different things.

Let me get one thing straight. Renix did not die because I am fat. Zenavieve did not come early, because I like to eat candy and ice cream. My children are the most important thing in my life and if changing stupid little things like that would have saved my son or helped my daughter don’t you think I would have done them in a fucking heartbeat?!?

I specifically asked the neonatologist after we found out Renix was gone, If I had eaten better, or exercised more or taken vitamins, if any of it would have helped and he straight up said no. NO. Nothing I could have done. I asked him if we decided to try again, would it help my chances if I lost a bunch of weight, if I ate healthier, if I exercised more, if I did anything. He said no. NO. Now obviously, losing weight, eating healthier and exercising more are all good things, which could make me healthier and in turn make for a healthier pregnancy. BUT, as the doctor explained it would not stop the onset of the pre-eclampsia.

That is what killed my son, that is what caused my daughter to be born two months early and measuring a month behind. Pre-eclampsia. So if you want to be helpful, if you want to tell me what to do to make things better, or how I could have done things differently to save my child, how about we do some research on what exactly happened first. Here’s a few things to know about pre-eclampsia, from the mayo clinics website.

“Preeclampsia is classified as a high blood pressure disorders that can occur during pregnancy.

Preeclampsia is a pregnancy complication characterized by high blood pressure and signs of damage to another organ system, often the kidneys. Preeclampsia usually begins after 20 weeks of pregnancy in a woman whose blood pressure had been normal. Even a slight rise in blood pressure may be a sign of preeclampsia.Left untreated, preeclampsia can lead to serious — even fatal — complications for both you and your baby. If you have preeclampsia, the only cure is delivery of your baby. If you’re diagnosed with preeclampsia too early in your pregnancy to deliver your baby, you and your doctor face a challenging task. Your baby needs more time to mature, but you need to avoid putting yourself or your baby at risk of serious complications.

The exact cause of preeclampsia is unknown. Experts believe it begins in the placenta — the organ that nourishes the fetus throughout pregnancy. Early in pregnancy, new blood vessels develop and evolve to efficiently send blood to the placenta. In women with preeclampsia, these blood vessels don’t seem to develop properly. They’re narrower than normal blood vessels and react differently to hormonal signaling, which limits the amount of blood that can flow through them.

Causes of this abnormal development may include:

  • Insufficient blood flow to the uterus
  • Damage to the blood vessels
  • A problem with the immune system
  • Certain genes

Preeclampsia develops only as a complication of pregnancy. Risk factors include:

  • History of preeclampsia. A personal or family history of preeclampsia significantly raises your risk of preeclampsia.
  • First pregnancy. The risk of developing preeclampsia is highest during your first pregnancy.
  • New paternity. Each pregnancy with a new partner increases the risk of preeclampsia over a second or third pregnancy with the same partner.
  • Age. The risk of preeclampsia is higher for pregnant women older than 40.
  • Obesity. The risk of preeclampsia is higher if you’re obese.
  • Multiple pregnancy. Preeclampsia is more common in women who are carrying twins, triplets or other multiples.
  • Interval between pregnancies. Having babies less than two years or more than 10 years apart leads to a higher risk of preeclampsia.
  • History of certain conditions. Having certain conditions before you become pregnant — such as chronic high blood pressure, migraine headaches, type 1 or type 2 diabetes, kidney disease, a tendency to develop blood clots, or lupus — increases your risk of preeclampsia.

The more severe your preeclampsia and the earlier it occurs in your pregnancy, the greater the risks for you and your baby.

Complications of preeclampsia may include:

  • Lack of blood flow to the placenta. Preeclampsia affects the arteries carrying blood to the placenta. If the placenta doesn’t get enough blood, your baby may receive less oxygen and fewer nutrients. This can lead to slow growth, low birth weight or preterm birth. Prematurity can lead to breathing problems for the baby.
  • Placental abruption. Preeclampsia increases your risk of placental abruption, in which the placenta separates from the inner wall of your uterus before delivery. Severe abruption can cause heavy bleeding and damage to the placenta, which can be life-threatening for both you and your baby.
  • HELLP syndrome. HELLP — which stands for hemolysis (the destruction of red blood cells), elevated liver enzymes and low platelet count — syndrome can rapidly become life-threatening for both you and your baby. Symptoms of HELLP syndrome include nausea and vomiting, headache, and upper right abdominal pain. HELLP syndrome is particularly dangerous because it represents damage to several organ systems. On occasion, it may develop suddenly, even before high blood pressure is detected.
  • Eclampsia. When preeclampsia isn’t controlled, eclampsia — which is essentially preeclampsia plus seizures — can develop. Symptoms that suggest imminent eclampsia include upper right abdominal pain, severe headache, vision problems and change in mental status, such as decreased alertness. Because eclampsia can have serious consequences for both mom and baby, delivery becomes necessary, regardless of how far along the pregnancy is.
  • Cardiovascular disease. Having preeclampsia may increase your risk of future heart and blood vessel (cardiovascular) disease. The risk is even greater if you’ve had preeclampsia more than once or you’ve had a preterm delivery. To minimize this risk, after delivery try to maintain your ideal weight, eat a variety of fruits and vegetables, exercise regularly, and don’t smoke.”

I know that is a lot of information to take in. But here is what I want people to get out of it. THE ONLY risk factor I have is being overweight. Yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds, but who couldn’t. There have been plenty of people out there bigger than me that have had healthy babies. On this note, once again. I asked the specialist, if we tried again and I lost a bunch of weight would it help? He said no. Because I develop early onset severe pre-eclampsia. When pre-eclampsia occurs is most women it shows up around 34 weeks or so, the baby can be delivered and everyone is fine. When it shows up after 20 weeks it is more complicated but can be controlled with high blood pressure medication and monitored with blood and urine tests. This is what happened with Z. At 22 weeks my blood pressure started going up, and it kept going up. I was spilling a ton of protein and I was being monitored about once a week. At 30 weeks I went in for a regular appointment and my blood pressure was very high, Z was measuring about 4 weeks behind and they sent me to the hospital for evaluation. My blood pressure just kept getting higher and higher over the next few days and none of their drugs were helping. That’s when they decided either she had to come out or I was probably going to die if my blood pressure didn’t come down.

Now after this, people were wondering why the hell we would even want to try again. In most cases of women with pre-eclampsia, it is usually worse with the first pregnancy which is what the doctors told us. So we had hope that we would have better luck with our next baby. I guess thats what we get for having hope.

With R I was 18 weeks when my blood pressure started going up. They monitored it for a couple weeks, but it wasn’t going down. I was put on a baby aspirin regimen, the strength of blood pressure pills i was taking at the END of my pregnancy with Z monitored once or twice a week and sent to the neonatologist specialist for further review. He then told us, I am not normal. Instead of getting better with the second pregnancy it had gotten worse. It was early on-set, and severe and because of that it caused the first complication listed above.

Lack of blood flow to the placenta. Preeclampsia affects the arteries carrying blood to the placenta. If the placenta doesn’t get enough blood, your baby may receive less oxygen and fewer nutrients. This can lead to slow growth, low birth weight or preterm birth.

Renix was not getting enough blood flow. He wasn’t getting what he needed to grow, and because of this had very little amniotic fluid inside the placenta. The doctor told me that day, at 22 weeks that we should have delivered, but if we did Renix would not have made it. Babies born extremely early and tiny are called micro-preemies. They usually weigh about 800 grams, or around one pound. Which in and of itself is TINY! Renix was weighing about 200 grams at that point. if they would have delivered him they wouldn’t have even had tube small enough to be able to help him.

So we cried and prayed and hoped for the best. He needed to be bigger at my next appointment in two weeks, and he needed to be alive.

He wasn’t either.

I knew the moment the ultrasound tech started looking around.

Then the next day, as I was in the hospital to deliver my dead baby, I got to experience just one more of the joys of this disorder.

  • Placental abruption. Preeclampsia increases your risk of placental abruption, in which the placenta separates from the inner wall of your uterus before delivery. Severe abruption can cause heavy bleeding and damage to the placenta, which can be life-threatening for both you and your baby.

There was no risk to Renix since his heart had already stopped beating, but what if it hadn’t, what if I had not already been at the hospital when this happened? I lost a LOT of blood when this happened. Scary amounts. This was when they decided to send me into an emergency c-section for the second time. And well you all know the story from there.

I guess the point of this whole post I would just like people to understand a little better what happened and why it happened.

When people say things to me like if I lost weight or ate better or exercised more, or that I should try again because maybe things will turn out better, they are not just being hurtful but also ignorant, and it hurts. Especially when it comes from people I love.

I would have done absolutely anything to save my son. if that meant eating spiders everyday for the rest of my life I would have done it, and I don’t even like looking at spiders. I would have done absolutely anything to save my daughter from going through what she went through. And I REFUSE to put another child through either of those things, by selfishly trying again.

So please, before you make comments about peoples lives, especially to their faces, even if you are trying to be helpful, you could be hurting them more than you realize, so do a little research, and educate yourself, or just simply ask them about it, and get the facts. Because words can be very hurtful even when they aren’t meant to be.

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2 thoughts on “Understanding The Situation

  1. Everyone has an opinion of things they don’t understand. Believe me. I’ve been told some things that would make your head spin. I know it’s especially hard on you not being able to do the one thing you should be able to do as a woman. The one thing that most women can and do do without forethought. It’s got to be excruciating to know that you are unable to have more children and for that I am so sorry. Please please do not go through that again because next time it could be you that doesn’t make it through and I this world needs you in it. This world is a little bit brighter and a lot more whole with you right here with us. I know you want more children, I know you feel as if you have been deprived of a basic human right and it’s not fair, but to lose you would be even worse, and if people don’t understand that then tell me where to find them and I will set them straight. I love you Jenny and I would like to be able to tell you it gets better. For the most part it does but then something happens or you hear something or someone says something and it all comes flooding back. Grief is a very personal journey. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. It’s been 17 years for me, and this year was very hard. Get out of bed and face the day hard.

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  2. Jenny Know one knows what you are going through then You When I got pregnant with bobby I was young and wished so many times that it wasn’t true I wished for it not to be true I went through so many emotions on what to do to this day I don’t regret anything Then I got pregnant again the doctor told me it was probably to soon to get pregnant again so soon after having a c-section that my scars handed had long enough time to heal. I was excited but scared at the same time then three month later I lost him don’t ask me why but I just knew he was a boy I know it was to early to know the gender of the baby but I just knew I felt as if know one knew what I was going through I felt alone and no body knew what to say to me I felt like I suffered alone in my emotions. I was scared to try again then a couple years later guess what I was pregnant again I didnt tell any one till I was what I thought was past the the danger zone but that wasn’t with out going through blood test I had to take shots for iron and B12 shots and blood tests all the time because something was going on but the doctor didn’t know what for sure I had to be monitored all the time I did everything possible to have a heathy pregnancy long story short you were born by C-section again I got a quick look at you before they rushed you for oxygen you decided to have your first bowel movement at time of birth and some how you inhaled or aspirates the fluid causing breathing problems it felt like forever before I got to hold you then I saw this beautiful baby girl. I got pregnant again I waited a long time before I told anybody because I was still scared of having another miscarriage early in the pregnancy I started having problems the baby wasnt growing like it should I felt like a pin cushion trying to find out what was going on they tested for preeclampsia and checked for high blood pressure you name it they did every test then finally they tested for lupus what the hell is that. I did research on it and found out its auto immune disease so that meant more test to a rheumatologist now I was high risk for compilation they wanted to do a biopsy and told me if they did I could loose the baby I had all this information I knew nothing about I sat in the car out side the doctors office trying to understand what was going on no way was I going through with the biopsy I cried for what seemed like forever I was having this baby no matter what then what they call flares swelling in my hands, feet joint pain they were afraid I was gonna have kidney disease I wasnt gonna let them do the biopsy I was having this baby I did go full term but my baby wasn’t growing like he should of again I had a c-section he only weighed 5 lbs after having two 8lb babies I was never so scared in my life. We named him Dustin cause it means brave fighter I thought I was going to loose him. Then when you got pregnant I was never more excited for you when you asked me to go with you to the Doctors with you I was excited but you were having blood pressure problems and ended up in the hospital what was suppose to be overnight but didn’t turn out that way they kept you and said you could deliver early No it’s to soon then when they said preeclampsia I thought oh no you have lupus too but it turns out you had it much worse then you had a miracle baby weighing only two pounds I was never so scared for you and blaming my self because they say it can be hereditary I blame myself for what you went through I’m so sorry for that. I was excited again when you got pregnant I was scared for you that it might happen again I prayed every night that you would go full term this time you got the sad news I never felt more helpless because I wanted to make everything better for you not a day goes by that I don’t think of Renix and what life would be like to spoil another grandbaby. I love Zenna to pieces and can’t get enough of her. When I made the decision to have my tubes tied after my third child that was the hardest thing to make but I didn’t want to go through that again the health of my baby or myself. That decision is yours and Bens and no one else’s you have to decide what’s best for you and your life. you are important to your little girl and Ben and the rest of the family ignore what other people say no one know what you went through and still going through I so wish I could take away all the pain and make things better for you. I do know one thing you are the strongest person I know you may not feel like it sometime but your stronger then you realize and you have the most amazing smartest little girl there is I know my grief is not the same as what you went through and still going through in time it will get better but never goes away Renix will always be in our hearts and not forgotten I love you more then you will ever know. A Mothers love is like no other

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