Hello Angel…

Hello My Sweet Baby Boy,

Mommy misses you! You have been heavy on my mind a lot lately. My heart is still broken from losing you. I think about you all the time. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I miss you and how much I truly need you to be with me. It’s not fair. You didn’t deserve to be put through any of the pain you had to endure and I am sorry my body failed you. I am still working on not blaming myself for losing you. Even if it wasn’t my fault that the disease shows up, even if they say there wasn’t anything I could have changed or done, I am your mom and I should have been able to protect you. I am your mom and it was my job to keep you safe. I failed you, and for that I am so sorry. Sometimes the pain of losing you is still so strong that I can’t hold it in and I breakdown and cry.. a lot. Mostly when no one else is around. I know you are loved by so many, but sometimes it feels like everyone else has moved on, and I guess that’s good, but it makes it really hard for me to talk about you. I wanna talk about you. I miss you so much. I think about you all the time. But whenever I mention your name I feel like there is instant tension, and no one knows what to say. Everyone is afraid of hurting me or they don’t know what to say and I understand that, but I wish I could talk about you and remember you without the added awkwardness.

Lately, every time I close my eyes I see your little face. I keep thinking I wish I would have held you one more time. I wish I would have kissed you one more time. I wish we would have done the viewing at the funeral home, because it would have been one more chance to see you. Sometimes I wish we would have had a full service and buried you instead. Maybe that would have made you more real to some people. Maybe if I had let everyone see you and be a part of burying you I wouldn’t feel like there are still people out there who don’t understand what happened to you. Maybe if we had put you in the ground with other children it would have further solidified your life for the people who don’t understand. But maybes are just that. They aren’t facts, they aren’t truth. We chose to have you cremated because we wanted to be able to keep you with us. We chose not to have a service because I don’t think I could have handled it. We chose not to do a viewing because we were afraid of what people would think about you. Just one more thing I am sorry for my angel. You are beautiful. You were my sweet little handsome boy and I am sorry for denying people the chance to see that. Though I am also not sure if anyone would have wanted to. You were so tiny…

I miss you so much. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep since you left us. I don’t know if it’s you, or god, or the universe or just my messed up brain trying to tell me something, but I wake up early every morning. like now, here it is 4:30 in the morning and I woke up in tears thinking about you. Most mornings I wake up at 5:30 and I just lay there wishing I could go back to sleep, wondering why I woke up, and thinking about life.

Your cousin was over the other day playing with your sister, and as I heard them giggling and laughing together, I thought of you, and how in a perfect world you would have been there too, you should have been playing with them or at least watching them and stealing their toys. I should be going through all the baby stages all over again, midnight feedings, keeping things out of your mouth, watching you learn about the world around you. But instead I just imagine all these things and I cry. My heart is broken for many reasons but one of them is because of all the things like this that you will and have already missed out on.

The summer is coming close to an end, and in just 2 short weeks will be the anniversary of when we found out we were going to have another baby. You. We were so happy and excited. Filled with joy, and a little fear, but I was sure that things were going to go better this time. We made a stop-motion video to tell everyone about your arrival. It was so much fun to make and everyone loved it. I wish you could’ve seen it. I know you would have loved it. Now, it hurts me to watch. It hurts me to see the joy and naivety in our faces. It’s hard to see the people we were then, because we are not those people any longer. We knew our world would never be the same, but we had no idea of the black hole in front of us that we were about to fall into.

That’s what it has been like since you left. A black hole. I feel as though am I constantly falling. Sometimes something slows me down, or shines a light into the blackness, but mostly I am just swimming in a sea of darkness and trying to not to let myself be enveloped by it. I tell everyone I am ok. Mostly so they don’t worry, that I am not, and partly because even if I told them I wasn’t there isn’t anything anyone can do about it. I don’t really let people see me cry over you anymore either, even though it still happens almost daily, I feel like it just makes others feel awkward. I want to just scream at everyone still, why are you still continuing to do things, why is this life still continuing without my son. Why isn’t the world stopping until I am ready for it to start again. But I know that is silly. The world doesn’t stop. And there is no amount of time or anything for that matter that is going to make it easier on us that you are not here. It’s still hard for me to want to get out of bed. To face the day. To see others around me having perfectly healthy babies, while mine just vanished into thin air.

I carried you. I worried about you. I felt you move. I saw you in the ultrasound pictures. I heard your heartbeat. I talked to you all the time. I cried when you’re heart stopped, I cried when they took you out of my stomach. I cried when they put you in my arms. I cried when I looked at your sweet little face. I cried when we left the hospital without you.  No one should ever have to know the pain of giving birth and then having to leave the hospital empty handed. It it one of the worst things I have ever been through in my entire life. Twice. Your sister though, must have gotten something from me while she was in my stomach that I wasn’t able to give to you, something that let her hold on and fight, because we did eventually get to leave with her. Just not till 44 days after she was born.

She is amazing. She is smart, funny and cute. I just know she would have loved you. She has a little ninja she carries around all the time that she calls Reckix because it kind of looks like your ninja, and it brings me to tears when she hugs it or plays with it because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to seeing you two together.

Your poor daddy, I know he thinks of you often too, he is better at keeping stuff inside than I am, but I know he isn’t ok either. I know he struggles daily with life and how to cope with it after losing you. I know he hurts too. But mostly I know that he loves me more than I could even begin to tell you because he doesn’t tell me any of those things. He knows I am my own emotional mess and he tries to not add to that. But I know he misses you so much. I know he wishes you were here so he could teach you to do boy things, like ride bikes, and build computers and play magic. Your daddy has the biggest heart and he is always there to hold me when I need him to. I try to do the same for him, but we usually just end up crying together when that happens.

But I guess that is the answer isn’t it. Love. Your daddy and I love you so much we cry together when we think about you. We love each other so much that it created two beautiful babies. We love you and your sister more than anything else on this whole planet, and we love each other with all the muchness in the world, and the only thing that gets us through the day or the tears or the sadness and pain is that love. That love for each other, for you and your sister, that is what moves us to keep going. That is what gets me out of bed in the mornings. I do it because I love you and I know you wouldn’t want me laying in bed crying everyday. I do it because I love your sister and she needs me. I do it because I love your daddy and he needs me. Love is the only thing stronger than the pain, and as your daddy and I keep trying to tell ourselves. All we need is love….

Thinking of you with all the love in my heart,

Until we meet again,

Mommy

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