Darkness

The pain of losing a child is one that I wouldn’t wish upon even my worst enemy. It completely envelopes you and changes your whole being. It’s not like losing other loved ones because even though you may have been incredibly close, it’s not literally losing a piece of yourself like a child is. A child is something you created from your own body. And for women even more so because then we change and grow and go through so much during the creation of this child. To go through all that and then have your child be ripped away from you is life changing and heartbreaking.

It’s been just over 9 months since I said goodbye to my baby boy. I have finally gotten to a point where I don’t cry every single day anymore. I don’t cry at every mention of his name anymore. I don’t wake up in tears every morning any more. That’s not to say that the pain isn’t still there. But that my brain and heart are trying to go on functioning in spite of it.

But now that I have finally gotten to that point, the year is coming to an end, and I feel like I have to start all over again. The day we found out we were having problems, and when we found out his heart had stopped beating, and then his birthday are all getting closer and I feel all the control I’ve gotten slipping away.

I keep telling everyone that I’m skipping the end of this year. I’m going to hide in my room, the basement, under a rock, in Mexico, it really doesn’t matter, I’m going to be in the fetal position pretending the world doesn’t exist. Most people think I’m joking, or just trying to make light of hard feelings, and in a way I am, but really that’s how I feel. It’s like there is this darkness over my head, and the closer and closer we get to December the darker and darker my world is getting.

They say time makes it easier, but they are so wrong. Time only gives your body a chance to figure out out to keep going, it doesn’t take anything away or make losing him any easier to handle. Time only makes you realize all the things your are missing out on. He should be crawling and maybe even taking his first steps at this point, he should have been here to celebrate his sisters birthday with us. His first words, first smile, first everything. Time only makes you see all these things that should be but aren’t. I don’t want to have to handle his first Christmas without him. I don’t want to try to live through his birthday without him AGAIN. I don’t want to start another new year without my son!!

I don’t know how to handle all of the pain and emotion that is going through me on a regular basis and the closer and closer it gets to these days the harder and harder time I am having keeping the pain and emotion and sorrow and guilt and anger and frustration and just pure sadness under control.

Sometimes I feel like the whole thing was just a really bad dream, I got pregnant, we had a baby, but then poof everything went back to the way it was before, except that there is this hole in my heart, and that we have changed as people.

I have anxiety now about things that never bothered me before. Things that don’t even make sense. I can’t watch videos of people being at extreme heights nor can I be up high without starting to get anxious and have every worst case scenario start running through my head. I got sick and threw up after a roller coaster at silverwood and could barely even open my eyes on most the rides we went on. I can no longer watch tv shows or movies where I have to see people die or be killed, I can no longer watch an emotional commercial or hear peoples stories on a talk show without bursting into tears. I have an extremely hard time letting Z out of my sight for an extended amount of time (any longer than an hour) without bugging the shit out of whoever she is with to make sure she is ok. Everytime I get into a car or Ben is home a minute late or my mom doesn’t answer the phone when she has Z etc. I instantly jump to the worse case scenario, and it’s really hard to tell myself not to worry and that I am being extreme, when my worst nightmare has happened to me, and there is nothing stopping any of these thing from happening.

Now, I realize I can’t live my life in fear of every little thing that could go wrong in it, but right now I don’t know how to push those fears aside. I don’t know how to tell the logical part of my brain that the chances of something like that happening to us are slim, when something like that has already happened to us.

I guess what I am trying to say is the darkness never goes away, and the closer and closer it gets to December the harder and harder it gets to see the light or even want to.

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