Anger

I’m feeling a lot of anger lately. I’m angry at life for shitting on me all the time. I am really trying to look at the good but it’s hard when the bad keeps piling on. It’s always something. My car has been giving us trouble all year. Now we have to get emissions next month and the check engine light is on and it could end up costing us $100o or more to get it all taken care of. It’s Christmas time and as much as I would love be to able to buy everyone I know everything they’ve ever wanted, I don’t even know how were going to afford to get Zenna Christmas presents.

I’m angry at companies who don’t pay their employees even close to what their worth or even a wage that can be lived on,  don’t let them take their earned vacation time even though they have time and gave enough notice, who give other employees who do the same amount of work and have been there the same amount of time more benefits that others, who take advantage of the knowledge of their employees with out compensating them for it.

I’m angry at people who don’t understand that I am allowed to feel anyway I fucking want to feel right now. The holidays are hard for anyone who has lost a loved one. Missing a child for the holidays is heart wrenching. Not to mention this is his first holiday season, this should be his first Thanksgiving and first Christmas, and first birthday, and it’s all at the same time, but he’s not here. And everyone else is treating it as if nothing is different from any other year and I guess for them that is true. But for me it’s very different. My son is missing. I want to be planning him his first birthday party. I want to see both of my kids faces on Christmas morning with the sparkle of the tree and opening their presents. I want to see him crawling around on the floor with the other kids, getting to open a stocking. But none of that is going to happen and people are acting as if it should just be like any other Christmas, but for me I want to skip the whole fucking thing altogether.

I still want to give my daughter a good Christmas and she is the only reason I even care about it all. I want her to be happy and get every thing she deserves so I am going to do my best to give her the best christmas I can.

I’m just so tired of everything. I exhausted actually. I’m angry at life and the way things keep going. I’m heartbroken still from losing my son and I’m pretty sure this soul crushing pain is never going to go away. It’s just one of those things that you learn to live with because you have no other choice.

I guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest this morning. I am feeling frustrated and angry and I needed to get it out somewhere so it doesn’t come out at my poor husband.

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