I am having a hard time lately having any kind of holiday cheer or spirit. I am really trying to for my daughter but it’s hard knowing my son is supposed to be here but isn’t. I keep getting all these thoughts of what if.. I know that it doesn’t help anything but I can’t help it.
I keep going back to the day we found out he was gone. The day before I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling. I called the dr and made them get me in and I was bugging Ben all day telling him I was worried. They got me in and they found a normal heartbeat so we thought that he was ok. I knew something was wrong, I knew he was going to come early, but I never imagined we would lose him. What if I would been more pushy that day, asked for an ultrasound, maybe they would have seen he wasn’t ok, of course I guess we already knew he wasn’t ok so maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything.
I keep thinking about our appointment two weeks earlier, when we were told he wasn’t doing well, we were told they normally would deliver right now, but he wasn’t big enough to survive if we did. I can’t help but think what if we had delivered him then, maybe he would have made it, and even if not maybe I would have at least got to see him and or hold him while he was alive. I know that we made the decision we did because being in my stomach, was the best place for him to be able to grow bigger, except it wasn’t obviously.. and I can’t help but think maybe things would have been different. If I had to do it all over again, I know we would make the same decision because we have been through the premature thing we know it’s not easy and all doctors agree the best place for a baby to grow is inside it’s mommy. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would actually lose him.
If I could go back and do it all again, but knowing what the outcome was going to be, then I would have delivered him then, just so I could have given them the chance to help him, maybe, or so we could have seen him and held him while he was alive, or just so he could have heard me tell him I love him.
I know this is silly because obviously I can’t go back in time and without knowing how it would end, I would have made the choices I did then. But I can’t help all these what ifs that keep coming into my head.
I’ve had this.. feeling.. I guess we’ll call it.. that my waking up at 5:30 every morning has something to do with him too. Just a thought/ theory and it’s possible I’ve made the whole thing up in my head, but I knew the day before that something was wrong, I just felt it. I made the doctors get me in and check his heartbeat and thought that was enough, knowing I was going back to the specialist the next day. But almost every single day since then I wake up at 5:30 almost on the dot… I feel like maybe that is when his heart actually stopped beating. I can’t explain it, but I just have this feeling since then, when I wake up, and I think I’ve even said it in here before, like I am missing something, I am supposed to be seeing or hearing something, but I think it would make sense that that could be when his heart stopped and my brain is just stuck on it. It’s etched in and almost every single morning I wake up at the exact same time since he died.
I might sound crazy I know, and I might have made it all up in my head to make myself feel better, but it’s not any less crazy than how I knew Z was going to be a girl, and how I knew R was going to be a boy, and how I just knew the day before that something was wrong. Call it mother’s intuition I guess.. just thoughts I have been having.
It’s so hard to not focus on all those things, on all the what ifs, and what could have and should have been, it’s so hard to know how I am supposed to even begin to feel any holiday cheer or spirit when all I wanna do is cry.