One Year

My heart is still broken,

my pain is still strong,

the tears still flow regularly since you’ve been gone.

The love that I have couldn’t make you stay,

but I hold on to the hope that I’ll see you again someday.

 

It’s been one year today since one of the worst days off my life. It’s been one year ago today since my heart shattered and my world changed forever. I became a different person.

When the doctor said those words “the baby has no heartbeat” that shattered my heart and soul into a million tiny pieces and I don’t think it will ever be completely put together ever again. In fact I know it won’t be because a piece will always be missing. I have tried so hard to be strong, and to keep life moving for my daughter and my husband and other family, but inside I still feel as broken as that day. I keep going back to that day over and over in my head. All the what if’s. All the could have should have would have. But none of those things can change what happened. None of those will bring my son back. Nothing will change the fact the very next day I had to give birth to my dead son, and I couldn’t even do that right. I had to be rushed to another emergency c-section, I was losing a ton of blood. I was so scared. I was shaking and crying hysterically, I’m not sure how they were ever able to give me that spinal shot, that’s probably why they had to do it twice. I just remember crying and asking over and over “can my husband come in yet, I need my husband” I replay these events in my head all the time whether I want to or not. I see your little face when I close my eyes. I long to hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks. I love you so much my sweet little angel. I miss you everyday. I would give almost anything to have you here with us. To be able to celebrate your birthday with you rather than be sad that you’re not here.

Thank god, the universe and everything holy for my husband because I never would have made it through the last year without him. He is my rock. We have taken a lot of this anger and emotion out on each other even when we don’t mean to, but even when he is angry and we are fighting, when I need him, he is right there, hugging me and telling me how much he loves me and how much he needs me and how strong I am. I know I have said it a ton of times but he really is the best. I couldn’t have made it one single day with out him.

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I still have so much pain and sadness that I can’t control myself or my emotions and I cry a lot. I have so much anger at life dealing my son such a shitty hand. I hate being such an angry person these days. I feel like everything and everyone just pisses me off. I can’t control any of the emotions I have that are so strong and either I am just screaming them out or I am crying them out and either way is not good.

I am so angry that my son isn’t here. I am so angry that I didn’t get to hold him alive. I am so angry that I was given this disease that prevents me from doing the one thing I have always wanted to do, have babies and be a mommy. I am so thankful for my little miracle daughter who has made me a mommy, and I pray all the time for her to be safe and happy and healthy forever. I know that this sound ridiculous but I can’t help it. If anything ever happened to her I simply would just die.

Ben and I are going to do our best to get back to happy this year. We are so tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of crying. Tired of being angry. Tired of the pain. Tired of all of it. We are going to do our best to choose happy. That means I am making some changes in life. I am learning that it is ok to say no to things I don’t want to or don’t feel like doing. I am learning that I do not have to feel guilty about other peoples problems that I can’t control. I am learning that if I want to be happy again then we need to choose to be happy again and that means cutting out all the things that are causing us stress and therefore turning into anger and other uncontrollable emotions. We are going to do our best to try and change for the better this year, if for nothing else then for the sake of our sanity and our beautiful daughter who deserves the best life we can give her.

We are going to go to Renix’s park tomorrow to say hi to him and probably let off a balloon or two, just to spend some time with him and tell him happy birthday. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers the next couple days, we are going to need all the strength we can get to make it through his birthday without him and we are going to need all the love and support we can get to help us get back to happy.

 

 

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