Once again it has been one year since one of the worst days of my life. The hardest words I’ll ever have to hear “the baby has no heartbeat” and the hardest thing I have ever done, going on since then.
This time last year we were already at the hospital, waiting to be admitted to give birth to my one and only son. We were forced to wait in the labor and delivery waiting room with two other couples, who’s babies weren’t dead and who were obviously full term, with their diaper bags full of new baby supplies, and hearts full of excitement for their new arrivals. This just made me even more sad because I didn’t need to bring a coming home outfit for my son, I didn’t even have a chance to buy him one yet, I didn’t need a diaper bag full of supplies for a newborn, I never even got the chance to look for one that wasn’t pink leopard print. I was put in room in the normal labor and delivery area and then they placed a little rose on our door so everyone that walked by or entered knew that I was giving birth to a dead baby.
I appreciate the fact that they have a program like that and the people at the hospital were very nice and supportive, but having that mark on the door was also just one more reminder that my son was dead. That this wasn’t a happy experience of giving birth, this was the worst, hardest, saddest day of my life. The nurses of the forget me not program came in and let us a pick out a blanket for him to be wrapped in, even though I had asked everyone to stay away, neither of my parents listened that day, which I completely understand, and my dad and Ben decided on the blanket with ninjas on it, that’s when he became our little ninja.
My mom broke my rule of everyone staying away, later in the night, when she got a text that I was losing a lot of blood and being rushed to surgery, and then never got any other response from my husband (because he was in surgery with me) again, I don’t blame her, I would have done the same thing, and even though I asked them all to stay away it was nice to have a daddy hug when I needed one, and it was nice to see my mommy when I came out of surgery and into recovery.
I still kicked them out after not very long though, because I wanted to see my son. I got to carry him from the delivery room into the recovery room, but he was wrapped in a blanket and I had yet to see his little face. After recovery they cleaned him up and brought him in to us, with a tiny little hat, and a tiny little diaper, and wrapped up in his ninja blanket. I held him in my arms and cried. He was so small. The tiniest little ninja I have ever seen. I unwrapped him and looked at my son, his little ears that hadn’t finished developing completely yet, the tiniest fingers I have ever seen with little tiny fingernails, his tiny little nose, that he got from me, and the rest of his face which looked just like his sister when she was born so tiny, and they both looked like an old man version of Ben. We got to hold him for as long as we wanted. For hours we both just sat there holding our son and crying. Telling him how sorry we were that we couldn’t save him, that we couldn’t help him, that we couldn’t give him the life he deserved.
Besides my husband, my parents have been amazing this last year. All of them. I am blessed to not only have two great parents but I have some pretty cool bonus parents and in-laws too. My mom is always there to listen to me when I just need to vent and cry and scream for no reason. I call her all the time and say can I just vent for a minute and she always lets me, whether I am cussing and screaming, or heartbroken and crying she always lets me get it all out and listens and helps the best she can. My dad is also always there for me, he calls me all the time just to check on me and make sure I am doing ok. He has let us borrow his truck more times than I can count this year, because every time I turned around there was something else going wrong with my car and helped us get our car fixed, but mostly he gives the best hugs in the world, and though usually I end up crying after a daddy hug, there is nothing more comforting. We have had an amazing support system all around this year, Ben’s mom has been amazing at letting me know she is always missing and thinking of Renix and that alone means the world to me. His dad also helped work on our car and we have become closer and we now see that he cares a lot more about people than he knows how to show or admit. We never would have made it through this year if it wasn’t for our amazing parents.
One year ago today was easily the worst day of my life, but as I sit here writing this, in the past year I have learned a lot. I now know that things do get better, that’s not to say that the pain goes away because it doesn’t, but time does help lessen the sting. I now know that I am a fucking warrior and though I don’t feel like it most of the time, I keep finding strength I didn’t know I had to make it through each day and keep going on to the next. I know now, that there are hundreds of other people out there, probably more, who have been through a similar situation as us, and the feelings that I have been going through, are all perfectly normal. I know that my husband and I can make it through anything. We have been through some serious shit together, and while life isn’t always perfect, and sometimes we do scream our lungs out at each other, we always come together and support each other when it matters, we hold hands, we hug, we cry, and we can get through anything as long as we do it together. I have learned that life never goes according to plan no matter how much you wish, dream or pray, I have learned that it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to feel anyway I need to at any given moment even if others don’t understand. I am trying to learn that it’s ok to tell people no. It is ok to not do things that I don’t feel up to doing. It is ok to choose what makes me happy and I don’t have to feel guilty for choosing what makes me happy even if others don’t like it. I have learned that life is short, we don’t get to choose how long we will be here, we don’t get to choose how long anyone else will be here and we don’t get to choose the path life is going to take you down, but you can choose how you react to those paths, you can choose to never take any day for granted again, you can choose to tell the people you love that you love them every single day, you can choose to be nice to strangers just because it is the right thing to do, and most of all what I am trying to learn and move forward with after today is that while you can’t always choose the things that happen to you, you can choose to be happy and that is exactly what we are going to try to do this next year, we are going to choose happy. We are going to do our damnedest to show our son that his mommy and daddy can be happy. And keep telling ourselves to
Just keep going…