I haven’t written in here in a while, I have been trying hard to choose happy and as part of that have been trying to stay away from Facebook and stuff. I just feel like if I don’t know what people are up to or doing then I don’t have to care or stress about it. I have been trying hard to just do what makes me, and my family happy. We try really hard not to stress over things we can’t control. We have been trying to just live in the moment and do what makes us happy. Life can be really shitty sometimes, and it will just keep getting shittier if you let yourself become overwhelmed and enveloped by all the bad things. So trying to look at the positive though harder can help you realize that things could always be worse. Now that’s not to say that I think there could ever be anything worse than losing my son, but it could have been worse had I not had the amazing family and friends, and support system that I have.
Renix’s birthday could only have been more perfect if he was here to celebrate it with us. The amount of love we were shown, even just people posting stuff on facebook was amazing and overwhelming and exactly what I needed. I needed to know that people haven’t forgotten about him, I needed to know that people still care about him and miss him like I do. I needed to know that people are still thinking about us and our family and that is exactly what I got. I was overwhelmed with love for Renix and it was amazing. Like I said the only thing that could have made the day better would have been him being here.
Though I have been doing a lot better since then sometimes just one fleeting moment can bring it all back. We went in to kiss Z goodnight the other night like we do every night, but this night, the way she was sleeping on her back with her eyes closed, I don’t know, just suddenly I was overwhelmed with a vision of Renix’s face and how much he looked like her and how much I think they would look alike as they grew bigger. I look at both of their little faces and I see my husband and I am sad that I will never get to see if Renix would have looked just like him. I will never get to see how much my kids might have looked like each other. It just hurts. I was cuddling Z one morning and just broke down into tears because of the realization that I will never ever get to cuddle my son this way. I will never ever get to hold my children in my arms together. In these moments all the strength I have built up and all the pain I have pushed aside comes flooding back and there is nothing I can do about it.
However, I think my choose happy campaign is at least somewhat working because I am getting better at saying no to things I do not want to do. I am learning that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks or does as long as my husband, my daughter and I are happy. I am learning that there is something good in almost every situation and while sometimes we don’t want to see it or admit it all we have to do to see it is try. I am also very determined and once I set my mind to something I tend not to want to let it go till it’s done, and while happiness isn’t just something you can grab and achieve it is something worth working for and looking for in every situation. When my car window stopped working I was really frustrated but my dad said hey the engine is still running right? When my check engine light came on again, for the second time since we spent $1000 to get it fixed Ben said, at least we already passed emissions. Last night a pipe disconnected in the basement and drained pretty much an entire bathtubs worth of water into the basement. We were down there half the night with every towel we own sopping up water, but I looked at Ben and even though I was extremely frustrated with the situation and the day I had had, I said at least nothing is ruined. And that is just it, yes it sucks to be sopping up water in the basement, yes it sucked to have that happen, no that is not how I wanted to spend my night, but it could have been worse. Ben has most of his camera equipment in the basement, plus all of our props, backdrops and other things that could have been ruined. All of our storage, Christmas decorations, old things we don’t want to get rid of etc. is down there and all that water down there could have ruined everything, but it didn’t.
I guess all I am trying to say is last year sucked. It sucked more than any other time in my entire life. I have had to deal with things I never expected to deal with in my life. I could have very easily let myself slip into a depression and in some ways I did, but I tried to be conscious of it most of the time and tried my best not to let it consume me. We did some stupid things, and my husband and I though we were there for each other when it mattered, we also took a lot of that pain and frustration out on each other even though we didn’t mean too. We’ve had a really tough year and have decided if it is ever going to get better then we have to start making it better. That’s when we decided on choose happy. In every situation, in every day, in every decision, choose what makes you happy, choose what is best and right for you and not for everyone else or what everyone else thinks is right for you. Live in the moment because tomorrow is not promised. Take risks and chances, take advantage of any opportunities you can because you may not ever get another chance, tell people you love them every chance you get, and while it is good to plan for the future, it is not promised to any of us, so in everything that you do Choose Happy!