Even though I’ve said it many times now I’m not sure people are hearing me. I am not the same person I used to be. Whether anyone wants to see it or not, losing my son has changed me as a person. Probably forever. I was always taught to show people respect, to treat others how you want to be treated, to be kind to people, to help those that need it. I have always been that kind of person. If you need me I’ll be there. I have a very organized mind and I like to have a plan or at least some details about whatever situation I am in. While most of this is still true. I have a limit to the amount of other people’s shit that I can take anymore. I’ve never been able to tell people no when they ask me to do something even if I don’t want to, even if it will add more stress to my plate, even if it’s something they could have done themselves. But this habit of being a people pleaser is stopping now. I am not that same person anymore. When I get too much other added stress it pushes me past a breaking point. Maybe it’s the grief, the PTSD, my emotional personality or maybe it’s all of the above, but once I hit that point I can not control the emotions and anger that come out. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch things, and most times I do all three because the overwhelming emotion that takes over is too much to handle.
I’ve got to start figuring out how to put not just my family but also myself first. I don’t have to please everyone. I don’t have to care what other people think. I don’t have to feel bad for not being able to or not wanting to help them with something. I have a right to express the way I’m feeling whether it’s justified or not. I’m not perfect even when I try not to let my emotions take over even when I try to stay calm sometimes I just can’t. Maybe it’s not the right way to handle a situation and maybe no one can tell but I’ve actually been trying pretty hard to try to keep my emotions in check when talking to somebody. However people are emotional creatures and we tend to react to those emotions instantly when in certain situations.
I’ve never handled being yelled at very well. If someone starts yelling at me or telling me to do something. Usually it just makes me want to start yelling back and do the opposite of whatever I’m being told to do. It’s not a very effective way of communication. Lately I’ve tried to start actually talking to people and tell them how I am feeling versus just letting it eat away at me. However I’m not sure if this is what’s best either because people tend to get emotional during serious conversations and this can sometimes make the matters even worse. 10x worse. The problem with people is we all have feelings and sometimes those feelings get hurt even when someone didn’t mean to hurt them. Sometimes feelings get hurt because we misunderstood a conversation or a situation. Sometimes it’s because someone treats us a certain way or says a certain thing. It’s hard to have a straightforward honest conversation without feelings getting in the way. So what is the right thing to do in a situation of this nature? Should you talk to someone about your feelings and risk them getting hurt or upset and things ending up worse than they were before. Should you keep them all in till you can’t take it anymore and explode? If you do talk to them how do you stop feelings and emotions from getting in the way and turning the whole conversation in the wrong direction. Where do you draw the line on what to say or how to say it. Do you tell someone all the little things that are bothering you before they become bigger or do you just stick to the big stuff to avoid hurting feeling as much as possible? But then you are still not talking about everything that’s bothering you and there could still be unresolved issues there. But again where’s the line. If you start telling someone every little thing they do that bugs you they are going to get hurt and it’s not going to accomplish anything. But is letting them keep bugging you the right thing thing to do? I can’t see how.