Angry

I feel like for the past two years I’ve been angry. Since you left I’ve been so so angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t save you. I’m angry that my body didn’t do it’s job. I’m angry that my son, my daughter, my husband, my family has had to go through this. I’m angry that I can’t have my dream of multiple kids. I’m angry that people don’t really seem to care anymore. I’m angry that people don’t seem to think I’m still hurting. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry that god didn’t save you. I’m angry that god didn’t save me. I’m angry that we’ve had to go through this in the first place. I’m angry that time makes it easier to deal with because underneath I am angry that the raw gut wrenching soul crushing pain never goes away. I’m angry that no matter what I did or how much I prayed god still took you anyway. I’m angry that people act like you never existed. I’m angry that people who should care you existed don’t. I’m angry that I can’t hug and kiss my baby boy anytime I damn well please. I’m angry that I have to watch other people in the world have babies they ignore, neglect, abuse or don’t even want when I would give anything to see you for just 1 minute. I’m angry that my daughter at 4 year old knows all too well what death is. I’m angry that she never got to meet her baby brother. I’m angry that she has had to see her mommy cry sooo much that she automatically knows “miss Renix mama”. I’m angry that people can go on with their lives like nothing happened. I’m angry that no one says your name. I’m angry that come holidays and other celebrations you are not even mentioned by most of our family. I’m angry that after two years I’m still so angry. I’m angry that I’ve been told my whole life to “give it to god” “have faith” “just pray” and yet I did all those things and he still took you from me. I’m angry that my husband will never get his son. I’m angry my daughter won’t know what it’s like to have that sibling who you wanna murder one minute but you know would always be there for you the next. I’m angry that I still wake up wishing it was all a bad dream. I’m angry that it comes so easy and natural to some people who don’t even want it or care while others suffer wanting so badly to have that child. I’m angry that I feel bad for wanting to share your picture. I’m angry that I can’t hang your picture on my wall with out fear of what others would say or think. I’m angry that I can’t share your pictures on fb and tell people how you’re doing. I’m angry that even the pictures I do have of you, no one wants to see. I’m angry that I can’t talk to you. I’m angry that anytime I’m asked how many kids I have I either have to lie and feel guilty or explain “my son died” I’m angry that my daughter has had to explain to others “Renix died, his heart stopped beating” I’m angry that she she even knows what it is. I’m angry that it feels like no one understands and those that do certainly don’t need my burdens on top of their own. I’m angry that I spend my days taking care of others peoples children but don’t get to take care of you. I’m angry that when people do ask or talk to me about my feelings I get a lot of them telling me how I should feel instead of just letting me feel whatever I want. I’m angry that’s it’s so fucking cold out I don’t even wanna go outside to use my punching bag. I’m angry that I’m still so angry and don’t know what to do about it. I’m angry that most of this anger seems to come out on my husband and my daughter even though I don’t mean for it or want it too. I’m angry that even writing in here just feels like I’m repeating the same things I’ve already said over and over and over. Im angry. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY! Why my son? Why my family? Why didn’t god save him? Why couldn’t I save him? What could I have done differently? Why is my son not right fucking here in my arms where he belongs??? 

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Don’t Take Anything For Granted

Tis the season for new babies. Every where I turn someone is pregnant or having a baby. This is great! It really is. Babies are one of gods greatest gifts.

But I feel like I need to get some feelings out so here I sit.

I understand that when you get to the end of your pregnancy that you feel miserable and huge and you just want to meet your baby already. But whenever I hear a pregnant woman say how miserable they are and they just want the baby to come out already I just want to scream! Do you know what I would have given to be able to get that far? Do you know the things that I would do to be able to carry a baby to the point of feeling like a whale? Do you know what I would give to be able to be that miserable? Miserable or not, that’s something that most people take for granted. You really want that baby to come out early? Have you actually thought about that statement? Even later term premature births can still have plenty of complications. I would’ve given up almost everything I have in this world to be able to carry my babies that far.  I would’ve done anything to not have to see my princess in an incubator for the first 6 weeks of her life. I would have done anything to not have my baby connected to tubes and wires, wondering if she was ever going to get to go home with us. I would’ve given anything to be able to carry my son to point that he could’ve survived. I would have done anything to be able to get to that point where all these women are saying they are miserable and just want to be done. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A GIFT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN?!?

People say, well you don’t understand because you never made it that far, EXACTLY!! I never made it that far, nor will I have get the chance in the future to make it that far. Both of my children were born far far too early, only one of them survived by the miracle of god, but other than losing my son, watching my daughter in that nicu and not being able to do anything to help her and knowing that she is there, and now knowing that my son is dead because I failed them, is the worst thing in the world I have ever had to go through. And you can all tell me till your blue in the face that I didnt’ fail them, that it wasn’t my fault, but in the end, that’s exactly what happened. Even if it wasn’t my fault or there was nothing  I could have done I still failed them. My body failed them. My body couldn’t provide an environment for my daughter to finish growing and even though we were told it would be better the second time it was actually worse and my body couldn’t provide an environment that even let my son survive.

When I hear and see these pregnant women complaining about just being ready to be done I want to show them a picture of my daughter and my son when they were born and ask is this really what you want for your child?!? Or when you I see pregnant women drinking or smoking I really want to throat punch them and scream. “Do you know that you are growing a fucking human being, something that most people, women, take for granted, do you know that this isn’t just basic human nature for some people, do you know that there are tons of people out there who struggle to be able to have a child everyday and here you are not even giving a shit about the health of the one you’ve been given.!!”

I know nobody is perfect and everyone is different and there are probably things that I did when I was pregnant that I shouldn’t have done too. But knowing what I know now, I really want to scream at these people.

Do you know what it feels like to not be able to do the one thing that you are supposed to be able to do automatically as a woman?? People never really understand until it happens to them. People use pregnancy as an joke to fool their friends or scare their parents etc., do you know how many people are out there struggling to get pregnant or dealing with the fact that they can’t and longing for a baby, but your joking about having one? I don’t find this very funny, actually it’s almost even hurtful, it’s like saying look what I can do but you can’t… Not only did I lose my child and am grieving the loss of my son, but I am also grieving the loss of any other child I might have had in the future. I can not even do the one thing that I am supposed to biologically be able to do as a woman and that fucking kills me. It hurts almost as much as losing my son. It’s not like the loss of a loved one where eventually you learn to live without them and the pain lessens.. or at least gets more manageable. But instead I am reminded every time I see a baby, a baby toy, and pregnant person, a cute baby outfit, even the left over baby stuff I saved from Z, every single fucking time, in a split second, it all comes rushing back I will never ever get to do that again. I will never get to experience the creation of life inside me again. I will never get to have a baby again.

I think this is where a lot of the anger I have is stemming from. Yes I am also angry about losing my son, but I just have soo much anger at the whole situation and when someone tells me I can’t do something or I shouldn’t do something it only makes me want to do it more but in this case I would be risking lives that I am not willing to risk.  I am so angry that my son isn’t here. I am angry that I can not have more children. I am angry that my body was not good enough to take care of my children the way it was supposed to. I am angry that my children had to suffer because of me. I am angry that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I am angry that people don’t understand that even though it’s been over a year now, it still fucking hurts,  and I am not over it, I am still overly emotional, and I am not the same happy person I used to be. I am angry that people keep telling me I need counseling or hormones or god or to meditate or whatever. I know that they are all trying to help, but I don’t need any of those things. I need to be able to feel and act and express any emotion I damn well please and take as much time as I fucking feel like to deal with the shit I have been through.

I guess the point is, we should never take anything for granted. Something that comes easily and natural for you might be something that someone else is struggling with. This goes for a lot of things in life and is something I need to learn in other aspects of life as well. While no one is perfect and we all make mistakes and take things for granted we really all should be more conscious of it and really appreciate the gifts we have been given even if we think it’s something that should just be basic human nature, because not all of us get to enjoy the things that are supposed to be simple, basic and easy.