Cupcake Cutie

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you and things change up the daily routine that you’re used to. Lately I haven’t been watching other kids everyday of the week so I’ve been getting more days that are just Z and I together. While I like money, I LOVE my little girl so these days together have been good for my soul! 


On this day we decided to be bakers!  πŸ™‚ Zenna picked out pink strawberry cupcake mix and purple funfetti frosting for our baking adventure. 

I let Z do as much of it by herself as she could. 

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She did great!

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And of course in keeping up with the pink theme we used Minnie Mouse cupcake cups left over from her birthday party. 


I let her fill the cups with batter as well which was a great test of my patience.  (for those who don’t know, I don’t have any lol) Since we only had just enough Minnie cups to do one batch we used our heart shaped cake pan from grandma Jo Ann for the rest of the batter. 

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While we waited for them to bake and cool we had lunch and made some kool-aid! 

Like I said before I have no patience, so we took the cake out of the pan a little too early and there was some damage. 

But then came the fun/messy part… πŸ™‚ 

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While Z was busy decorating cupcakes, I was having fun frosting the heart cake (except I mangled the point lol) and playing with different frosting tips. 

Then I gave the cake to Z for some sprinkles… 

And boy did she give it some sprinkles lol. 

It was an amazing day with my beautiful daughter and in the end I couldn’t ask for anything better. These are the moments I hope she will hold onto forever. 

Moment Of Zen

I got an unexpected day off yesterday and I think it was just what I needed. I decided to just have a fun day with Zenna. We started the day off watching Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory snuggled on the couch and then we decided to go out and have some breakfast.Β Β She was so excited. She got banana blueberry pancakes and hot chocolate.Β  That little nugget must’ve really liked it, cuz she ate everything on that plate except for a little bit of eggs.

Then I needed to get my ring checked at the mall so we went there and wandered around for a little bit. She dragged a my little pony around build a bear for a while, gave it a bath and got to help them out putting stuffing in the machine.Β We even played in the photo booth πŸ™‚Β Once we got home I downloaded an app to make the menu she colored at Denny’s become 3D which was kinda neat.Β 

Then she decided because it was a rainy day she needed to use her rain gear and go jump in the puddles.Β 

 

Then of course she needed a bubble bath to warm up.Β After all that we snuggled in once again on the couch and watched Charlie and the chocolate factory until it was time to go pick up Ben. I think Zenna must’ve had a pretty good day, cuz this was her pretty much the whole car ride. πŸ™‚After dinner we had family game night and played candy land and Jenga until bedtime. It was such a great day! I think spending the day with Zenna being silly was just what I needed. I love this little girl sooo much and I’m so glad she’s mine!

Angel Baby

After Renix died the Hospital gave us many pamphlets and books and lots of things to help us get through losing him. One of the things they gave us was a book for kids to help them understand what is happening around them. It was called “We Were Going to Have a Baby, but We Had an Angel Instead” I read it a couple times but I decided that I didn’t want to read it to Z because the ending didn’t leave me with any hope for the future. It basically told from a kids point of few how now their mommy and daddy is sad and cry a lot because they were going to have a baby but they got an angel instead, and then it just ends with “I think a baby would have been better” and I guess my thought was WELL DUH!! But it didn’t leave any hope that things get better or that mommy and daddy will feel better or that the angel baby is ok.. So I thought I would eventually write my own.. It was a lot harder to do than I thought, and a lot harder than most things that I have written. I actually wrote this a few months ago but wasn’t sure if I wanted to share. I also am not sure if this is the final draft, and in fact it’s probably not because I was just editing it before I put it in here. But I just wanted to share a little piece of my heart with anyone who is willing to read it. Thanks!

Hi, My name is Renix, and I am a baby angel.

My mommy and daddy love each other very much, and through that love they made me.

I started out very small in my mommy’s tummy, and even though I never got to see her while I was there, I heard my mommy talking all the time. Sometimes she would be talking to my daddy or my sister but other times I would hear her tell me how much she loves me and sing me songs and tell me stories.

As I started to grow bigger, I knew there was trouble, I was having a hard time growing and I heard the doctor tell my mommy and daddy that she was sick.

My mommy told me not to worry though, she would talk to me all day long and tell me how she loved me, and that I was a fighter, and to just keep growing.

I tried to grow like mommy said, but my mommy’s sickness made it very hard.

Then all of the sudden, I wasn’t in my mommy’s tummy anymore. I was being held by very big, strong, soft hands, he said he was my father, but different than my daddy. He gave me wings and told me that I needed to go watch out for my mommy and daddy. That I was their guardian angel now and they were going to need me.

I soared down to find them, excited about my new wings and important job, but when I found them they were crying and very sad.

“It’s okay mommy” I said. “It’s not hard to grow anymore and I have wings to soar and watch out for you where ever you go.”

But mommy and daddy can’t hear me. They get really sad and tell me how much they miss me all the time. I try to show them that I am always right beside them.

“Mommy,” I say, “Even though I am not in your arms, I am in your heart. I will always be here watching out for you.”

My big sister talks about me all the time. I am her guardian angel too.Β  I love to watch her dance and play and sing. Sometimes I even try to sing along with her, even though I know she can’t hear me.

I wish that I could have stayed with my mommy, daddy and sister and give them big hugs and kisses and tell them how much I love them, but I was given a very special job of watching over them instead.

I wasn’t strong enough to stay with my family, but now I am strong enough to do anything! I have the special job of being their guardian ninja angel. I watch out for them where ever they go and try to keep them safe.

I wish I could tell my mommy and daddy about all the cool people I have met that have wings too.Β  There is even someone up here called great-grandma, she loves to sing me songs and tell me stories about my mommy!

I know that my family is sad that that I am not with them, and even though I get to see them all the time as their angel, I can’t wait for the day when they can see me too, and I get to hug my mommy and daddy whenever I want.

Until then though, I am going to keep watching out for them and be the best guardian ninja angel baby I can be!

 

 

Choose Happy

I haven’t written in here in a while, I have been trying hard to choose happy and as part of that have been trying to stay away from Facebook and stuff. I just feel like if I don’t know what people are up to or doing then I don’t have to care or stress about it. I have been trying hard to just do what makes me, and my family happy. We try really hard not to stress over things we can’t control. We have been trying to just live in the moment and do what makes us happy. Life can be really shitty sometimes, and it will just keep getting shittier if you let yourself become overwhelmed and enveloped by all the bad things. So trying to look at the positive though harder can help you realize that things could always be worse. Now that’s not to say that I think there could ever be anything worse than losing my son, but it could have been worse had I not had the amazing family and friends, and support system that I have.

Renix’s birthday could only have been more perfect if he was here to celebrate it with us. The amount of love we were shown, even just people posting stuff on facebook was amazing and overwhelming and exactly what I needed. I needed to know that people haven’t forgotten about him, I needed to know that people still care about him and miss him like I do. I needed to know that people are still thinking about us and our family and that is exactly what I got. I was overwhelmed with love for Renix and it was amazing. Like I said the only thing that could have made the day better would have been him being here.

Though I have been doing a lot better since then sometimes just one fleeting moment can bring it all back. We went in to kiss Z goodnight the other night like we do every night, but this night, the way she was sleeping on her back with her eyes closed, I don’t know, just suddenly I was overwhelmed with a vision of Renix’s face and how much he looked like her and how much I think they would look alike as they grew bigger. I look at both of their little faces and I see my husband and I am sad that I will never get to see if Renix would have looked just like him. I will never get to see how much my kids might have looked like each other. It just hurts. I was cuddling Z one morning and just broke down into tears because of the realization that I will never ever get to cuddle my son this way. I will never ever get to hold my children in my arms together. In these moments all the strength I have built up and all the pain I have pushed aside comes flooding back and there is nothing I can do about it.

However, I think my choose happy campaign is at least somewhat working because I am getting better at saying no to things I do not want to do. I am learning that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks or does as long as my husband, my daughter and I are happy. I am learning that there is something good in almost every situation and while sometimes we don’t want to see it or admit it all we have to do to see it is try. I am also very determined and once I set my mind to something I tend not to want to let it go till it’s done, and while happiness isn’t just something you can grab and achieve it is something worth working for and looking for in every situation. When my car window stopped working I was really frustrated but my dad said hey the engine is still running right? When my check engine light came on again, for the second time since we spent $1000 to get it fixed Ben said, at least we already passed emissions. Last night a pipe disconnected in the basement and drained pretty much an entire bathtubs worth of water into the basement. We were down there half the night with every towel we own sopping up water, but I looked at Ben and even though I was extremely frustrated with the situation and the day I had had, I said at least nothing is ruined. And that is just it, yes it sucks to be sopping up water in the basement, yes it sucked to have that happen, no that is not how I wanted to spend my night, but it could have been worse. Ben has most of his camera equipment in the basement, plus all of our props, backdrops and other things that could have been ruined. All of our storage, Christmas decorations, old things we don’t want to get rid of etc. is down there and all that water down there could have ruined everything, but it didn’t.

I guess all I am trying to say is last year sucked. It sucked more than any other time in my entire life. I have had to deal with things I never expected to deal with in my life. I could have very easily let myself slip into a depression and in some ways I did, but I tried to be conscious of it most of the time and tried my best not to let it consume me. We did some stupid things, and my husband and I though we were there for each other when it mattered, we also took a lot of that pain and frustration out on each other even though we didn’t mean too. We’ve had a really tough year and have decided if it is ever going to get better then we have to start making it better. That’s when we decided on choose happy. In every situation, in every day, in every decision, choose what makes you happy, choose what is best and right for you and not for everyone else or what everyone else thinks is right for you. Live in the moment because tomorrow is not promised. Take risks and chances, take advantage of any opportunities you can because you may not ever get another chance, tell people you love them every chance you get, and while it is good to plan for the future, it is not promised to any of us, so in everything that you do Choose Happy!