Mother’s Day

It’s hard to celebrate a day that is meant to cherish moms when one of the babies that made me a mom isn’t here. I thought I was ok. I have a fun day planned. But some days just hit me harder than I expect them too.

Ben has to work so it’s my first Mother’s Day without him. I didn’t think it would be a big deal but I had a huge ache in my heart when he left this morning. I haven’t had to deal with anything about Renix without Ben right by my side. He’s amazing! But today I woke up thinking about my baby boy. Wishing he could be here with us too. Longing to just give him a hug or a kiss. It hurts so much.

But then this beautiful little girl all on her own remembered it was Mother’s Day and brought me my present which was all her idea and she picked out. A whole bag full of mini candles! She is such a sweetheart and I don’t know what I would do with out her.

My husband and her also gave me the biggest bouquet of roses I’ve ever seen.

Even though it’s hard to spend the day without one of the people who made me a mother I am forever thankful to have my daughter and husband by my side.

I’ve never shared these pictures of Renix before, I’ve always been afraid of what others would think. But I thought in honor of mother’s day I would share a couple pictures of both of my babies. Because I don’t give a fuck what people think anymore. He was my son and he was handsome and he was created out of so much love. And a piece of my heart will always be with him in heaven. These photos were taken the day he was born. The photos taken that day are the only ones we have. I will forever love you my beautiful baby boy!


Banana Cookies

So I haven’t written in here in a while and I keep telling myself I’m going to but I feel like sometimes I’m just a broken record that keeps writing the same things because feelings don’t really change. However, I’ve said in the past that I was going to use this blog for more than just feelings, and I love to bake and I bake quite often and I see blogs all the time sharing recipes of things that they’ve baked so I figured I can do that too! 😀 

So I had a bunch of over ripe bananas on my counter and I’m always making banana muffins and bread so today we decided to make banana cookies! Plus putting banana in them makes them okay to eat for breakfast right? 

We started by mixing the butter and sugar together. I used melted butter partly because my butter was frozen, and partly because my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe calls for melted butter and I feel it really makes a difference in the texture of the cookies. 

Then came the bananas and the baking soda. I also added some vanilla because I have some awesome natural vanilla that just seems to add a great flavor to everything. 

Then we whisked the flour salt and other spices together. I also added a bit of extra cinnamon into our recipe because when we were pouring it into the teaspoon we had a little mishap 😉 

Then we mixed the banana mixture with the butter mixture and then mixed in the flour. 

Then we added chocolate chips because that makes everything better! 

My amazing husband bought me a jumbo sized cookie sheet which I have been very excited to try out.  Just look how many F’n cookies this thing can hold!!

So many in fact, I couldn’t fit them all on my wire racks! I did double the recipe though because of the amount of bananas I had.

  I ate about 5, cuz they had bananas in them so it was my breakfast 😉 

And Z had a few as well, so I’m going to say they were a hit!  I’ll post the recipe below just in case anyone wants it! 

 Banana Cookies Recipe

Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 30-45 minutes minutes Yields: about 84 cookies


1 cup of unsalted butter (2 sticks), melted 

2 cups of sugar

2 eggs

2 cups of mashed bananas (I used about 5 large bananas)

2 teaspoons of vanilla

2 teaspoons of baking soda

4 cups of flour

1/2 teaspoon of salt

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of nutmeg

2 cups of chocolate chips


1 Preheat the oven to 350°F. Beat the butter and sugar together until mixed. Add the eggs and continue to beat until fully mixed.

2 In a separate bowl, mash the bananas then mix with baking soda. Let sit for 2 minutes. The baking soda will react with the acid in the bananas which in turn will give the cookies their lift and rise. Then add vanilla. Pour the banana/ baking soda/ vanilla mixture into the butter mixture and mix thoroughly. 

3 Whisk together the flour, salt, and cinnamon and nutmeg. Add to the banana mixture and mix until just combined.

4 Fold in chocolate chips (if using) into the batter.

5 Drop by teasooonful ( or larger if you wish) onto parchment paper-lined baking sheet. Bake for 11-13 minutes until nicely golden brown. Cool on wire racks.

Here is the link to the recipe I used. I doubled this recipe and changed it up a bit to make it my own above. 

Hope you all enjoy!!

Cupcake Cutie

Sometimes life throws curveballs at you and things change up the daily routine that you’re used to. Lately I haven’t been watching other kids everyday of the week so I’ve been getting more days that are just Z and I together. While I like money, I LOVE my little girl so these days together have been good for my soul! 

On this day we decided to be bakers!  🙂 Zenna picked out pink strawberry cupcake mix and purple funfetti frosting for our baking adventure. 

I let Z do as much of it by herself as she could. 

She did great!

And of course in keeping up with the pink theme we used Minnie Mouse cupcake cups left over from her birthday party. 

I let her fill the cups with batter as well which was a great test of my patience.  (for those who don’t know, I don’t have any lol) Since we only had just enough Minnie cups to do one batch we used our heart shaped cake pan from grandma Jo Ann for the rest of the batter. 

While we waited for them to bake and cool we had lunch and made some kool-aid! 

Like I said before I have no patience, so we took the cake out of the pan a little too early and there was some damage. 

But then came the fun/messy part… 🙂 

While Z was busy decorating cupcakes, I was having fun frosting the heart cake (except I mangled the point lol) and playing with different frosting tips. 

Then I gave the cake to Z for some sprinkles… 

And boy did she give it some sprinkles lol. 

It was an amazing day with my beautiful daughter and in the end I couldn’t ask for anything better. These are the moments I hope she will hold onto forever. 

Moment Of Zen

I got an unexpected day off yesterday and I think it was just what I needed. I decided to just have a fun day with Zenna. We started the day off watching Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory snuggled on the couch and then we decided to go out and have some breakfast.  She was so excited. She got banana blueberry pancakes and hot chocolate.  That little nugget must’ve really liked it, cuz she ate everything on that plate except for a little bit of eggs.

Then I needed to get my ring checked at the mall so we went there and wandered around for a little bit. She dragged a my little pony around build a bear for a while, gave it a bath and got to help them out putting stuffing in the machine. We even played in the photo booth 🙂 Once we got home I downloaded an app to make the menu she colored at Denny’s become 3D which was kinda neat. 

Then she decided because it was a rainy day she needed to use her rain gear and go jump in the puddles. 


Then of course she needed a bubble bath to warm up. After all that we snuggled in once again on the couch and watched Charlie and the chocolate factory until it was time to go pick up Ben. I think Zenna must’ve had a pretty good day, cuz this was her pretty much the whole car ride. 🙂After dinner we had family game night and played candy land and Jenga until bedtime. It was such a great day! I think spending the day with Zenna being silly was just what I needed. I love this little girl sooo much and I’m so glad she’s mine!

Angel Baby

After Renix died the Hospital gave us many pamphlets and books and lots of things to help us get through losing him. One of the things they gave us was a book for kids to help them understand what is happening around them. It was called “We Were Going to Have a Baby, but We Had an Angel Instead” I read it a couple times but I decided that I didn’t want to read it to Z because the ending didn’t leave me with any hope for the future. It basically told from a kids point of few how now their mommy and daddy is sad and cry a lot because they were going to have a baby but they got an angel instead, and then it just ends with “I think a baby would have been better” and I guess my thought was WELL DUH!! But it didn’t leave any hope that things get better or that mommy and daddy will feel better or that the angel baby is ok.. So I thought I would eventually write my own.. It was a lot harder to do than I thought, and a lot harder than most things that I have written. I actually wrote this a few months ago but wasn’t sure if I wanted to share. I also am not sure if this is the final draft, and in fact it’s probably not because I was just editing it before I put it in here. But I just wanted to share a little piece of my heart with anyone who is willing to read it. Thanks!

Hi, My name is Renix, and I am a baby angel.

My mommy and daddy love each other very much, and through that love they made me.

I started out very small in my mommy’s tummy, and even though I never got to see her while I was there, I heard my mommy talking all the time. Sometimes she would be talking to my daddy or my sister but other times I would hear her tell me how much she loves me and sing me songs and tell me stories.

As I started to grow bigger, I knew there was trouble, I was having a hard time growing and I heard the doctor tell my mommy and daddy that she was sick.

My mommy told me not to worry though, she would talk to me all day long and tell me how she loved me, and that I was a fighter, and to just keep growing.

I tried to grow like mommy said, but my mommy’s sickness made it very hard.

Then all of the sudden, I wasn’t in my mommy’s tummy anymore. I was being held by very big, strong, soft hands, he said he was my father, but different than my daddy. He gave me wings and told me that I needed to go watch out for my mommy and daddy. That I was their guardian angel now and they were going to need me.

I soared down to find them, excited about my new wings and important job, but when I found them they were crying and very sad.

“It’s okay mommy” I said. “It’s not hard to grow anymore and I have wings to soar and watch out for you where ever you go.”

But mommy and daddy can’t hear me. They get really sad and tell me how much they miss me all the time. I try to show them that I am always right beside them.

“Mommy,” I say, “Even though I am not in your arms, I am in your heart. I will always be here watching out for you.”

My big sister talks about me all the time. I am her guardian angel too.  I love to watch her dance and play and sing. Sometimes I even try to sing along with her, even though I know she can’t hear me.

I wish that I could have stayed with my mommy, daddy and sister and give them big hugs and kisses and tell them how much I love them, but I was given a very special job of watching over them instead.

I wasn’t strong enough to stay with my family, but now I am strong enough to do anything! I have the special job of being their guardian ninja angel. I watch out for them where ever they go and try to keep them safe.

I wish I could tell my mommy and daddy about all the cool people I have met that have wings too.  There is even someone up here called great-grandma, she loves to sing me songs and tell me stories about my mommy!

I know that my family is sad that that I am not with them, and even though I get to see them all the time as their angel, I can’t wait for the day when they can see me too, and I get to hug my mommy and daddy whenever I want.

Until then though, I am going to keep watching out for them and be the best guardian ninja angel baby I can be!



Choose Happy

I haven’t written in here in a while, I have been trying hard to choose happy and as part of that have been trying to stay away from Facebook and stuff. I just feel like if I don’t know what people are up to or doing then I don’t have to care or stress about it. I have been trying hard to just do what makes me, and my family happy. We try really hard not to stress over things we can’t control. We have been trying to just live in the moment and do what makes us happy. Life can be really shitty sometimes, and it will just keep getting shittier if you let yourself become overwhelmed and enveloped by all the bad things. So trying to look at the positive though harder can help you realize that things could always be worse. Now that’s not to say that I think there could ever be anything worse than losing my son, but it could have been worse had I not had the amazing family and friends, and support system that I have.

Renix’s birthday could only have been more perfect if he was here to celebrate it with us. The amount of love we were shown, even just people posting stuff on facebook was amazing and overwhelming and exactly what I needed. I needed to know that people haven’t forgotten about him, I needed to know that people still care about him and miss him like I do. I needed to know that people are still thinking about us and our family and that is exactly what I got. I was overwhelmed with love for Renix and it was amazing. Like I said the only thing that could have made the day better would have been him being here.

Though I have been doing a lot better since then sometimes just one fleeting moment can bring it all back. We went in to kiss Z goodnight the other night like we do every night, but this night, the way she was sleeping on her back with her eyes closed, I don’t know, just suddenly I was overwhelmed with a vision of Renix’s face and how much he looked like her and how much I think they would look alike as they grew bigger. I look at both of their little faces and I see my husband and I am sad that I will never get to see if Renix would have looked just like him. I will never get to see how much my kids might have looked like each other. It just hurts. I was cuddling Z one morning and just broke down into tears because of the realization that I will never ever get to cuddle my son this way. I will never ever get to hold my children in my arms together. In these moments all the strength I have built up and all the pain I have pushed aside comes flooding back and there is nothing I can do about it.

However, I think my choose happy campaign is at least somewhat working because I am getting better at saying no to things I do not want to do. I am learning that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks or does as long as my husband, my daughter and I are happy. I am learning that there is something good in almost every situation and while sometimes we don’t want to see it or admit it all we have to do to see it is try. I am also very determined and once I set my mind to something I tend not to want to let it go till it’s done, and while happiness isn’t just something you can grab and achieve it is something worth working for and looking for in every situation. When my car window stopped working I was really frustrated but my dad said hey the engine is still running right? When my check engine light came on again, for the second time since we spent $1000 to get it fixed Ben said, at least we already passed emissions. Last night a pipe disconnected in the basement and drained pretty much an entire bathtubs worth of water into the basement. We were down there half the night with every towel we own sopping up water, but I looked at Ben and even though I was extremely frustrated with the situation and the day I had had, I said at least nothing is ruined. And that is just it, yes it sucks to be sopping up water in the basement, yes it sucked to have that happen, no that is not how I wanted to spend my night, but it could have been worse. Ben has most of his camera equipment in the basement, plus all of our props, backdrops and other things that could have been ruined. All of our storage, Christmas decorations, old things we don’t want to get rid of etc. is down there and all that water down there could have ruined everything, but it didn’t.

I guess all I am trying to say is last year sucked. It sucked more than any other time in my entire life. I have had to deal with things I never expected to deal with in my life. I could have very easily let myself slip into a depression and in some ways I did, but I tried to be conscious of it most of the time and tried my best not to let it consume me. We did some stupid things, and my husband and I though we were there for each other when it mattered, we also took a lot of that pain and frustration out on each other even though we didn’t mean too. We’ve had a really tough year and have decided if it is ever going to get better then we have to start making it better. That’s when we decided on choose happy. In every situation, in every day, in every decision, choose what makes you happy, choose what is best and right for you and not for everyone else or what everyone else thinks is right for you. Live in the moment because tomorrow is not promised. Take risks and chances, take advantage of any opportunities you can because you may not ever get another chance, tell people you love them every chance you get, and while it is good to plan for the future, it is not promised to any of us, so in everything that you do Choose Happy!