Mother’s Day

It’s hard to celebrate a day that is meant to cherish moms when one of the babies that made me a mom isn’t here. I thought I was ok. I have a fun day planned. But some days just hit me harder than I expect them too.

Ben has to work so it’s my first Mother’s Day without him. I didn’t think it would be a big deal but I had a huge ache in my heart when he left this morning. I haven’t had to deal with anything about Renix without Ben right by my side. He’s amazing! But today I woke up thinking about my baby boy. Wishing he could be here with us too. Longing to just give him a hug or a kiss. It hurts so much.

But then this beautiful little girl all on her own remembered it was Mother’s Day and brought me my present which was all her idea and she picked out. A whole bag full of mini candles! She is such a sweetheart and I don’t know what I would do with out her.

My husband and her also gave me the biggest bouquet of roses I’ve ever seen.

Even though it’s hard to spend the day without one of the people who made me a mother I am forever thankful to have my daughter and husband by my side.

I’ve never shared these pictures of Renix before, I’ve always been afraid of what others would think. But I thought in honor of mother’s day I would share a couple pictures of both of my babies. Because I don’t give a fuck what people think anymore. He was my son and he was handsome and he was created out of so much love. And a piece of my heart will always be with him in heaven. These photos were taken the day he was born. The photos taken that day are the only ones we have. I will forever love you my beautiful baby boy!

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The Most Difficult Time Of The Year

While everyone is going on about the joys of Christmas and the holiday season, for me, it’s one of the hardest times of year, there is always someone missing. I can’t believe it’s been almost three years. It still feels like yesterday in so many ways. New Year’s Eve is your birthday. If you were here I’d have been planning your party for months now. If you were here we’d have all your Christmas presents picked out and waiting for you like your sisters. If you were here we wouldn’t have an empty fourth hook on our stocking hanger. If you were here I wouldn’t have to feel this heart ache.

But you’re not here.

You’re the ornaments on the tree with your name on it. You’re the reason we are buying ninja turtle presents for a three year old boy we’ve never met. You’re the hole in my heart and in my life. You’re the reason we stand out in the cold freezing our asses off to release a balloon every year. You’re with us even though you’re not here.

December is incredibly hard for me. Not only is it the stress of the holidays and Christmas, trying to afford presents, trying to help out, trying to make it to three different parents houses, not to mention grandparents, trying to find time to have our own family time for Christmas, trying to get everything wrapped, but it’s the month of heartbreaking memories.

I found out my blood pressure was bad again. We found out you were a boy but having problems. We got to hear your heartbeat then we’re told if you weren’t so small you’d be delivered. We were told you might not make it. We prayed. We cried. We begged.

It didn’t matter.

We were told you were gone.

We prayed and we cried and we begged.

It didn’t matter.

I spent my last night with you in my belly and a never ending ache in my heart.

The next few days were the hardest of my life. Waiting for a labor that never happened. Losing so much blood. Having another emergency c-section. Holding my lifeless baby in my arms. Having to let you go. Having to leave you there. Having to see you be taken away. Leaving the hospital empty handed.

I wouldn’t wish the pain of giving birth and leaving the hospital empty handed on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. If I had one. It is BY FAR the worst, soul crushing, heart shattering, mind bending pain I have ever felt. Twice.

I’ve written all this before. I’ve said all this before. I’ve actually stopped writing in this so much because I have said it all before.

But my dear sweet boy, there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. You are in my thoughts with everything I do. Every time we see a penny on the ground we pick it up and say hi to you and tell you we love you. Every time we drive by your park we yell hi and love you. Every time I see a ninja turtle I think of you. Every time I see a mom with her little boy, I think of you. Every time I see a Dad playing with his son, I think of you. Every time I see a dragonfly or a butterfly I think of you. Whenever I’m taking care of our garden, I think of you. Whenever we see a ninja we think of you.

There is never a day that goes by without a thought of you my son. Whether it be me, your dad or your sister, you are always with us.

It’s funny because even though I don’t get to watch you grow, your corner grows. With candles we light on special times for you. With cards in your honor and figurines from your grandparents. With a piece of the balloon string we released last year. With a ninja turtle LEGO guy from some dear friends. With little things that remind us of you.

Zenna loves to hug your bear and it brings tears to my eyes because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to seeing you two together.

Losing you, my son, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ll never be over it. I’ll never move on. I’ll never be the same again. But I will always cherish the few months I got to carry you. I will always hold dear the times when Zenna spoke to you through my belly. I will always remember holding you in my arms and kissing your face. I will always think of you. I will always do what I can to carry on your memory.

I will always love you.

Moment Of Zen

I got an unexpected day off yesterday and I think it was just what I needed. I decided to just have a fun day with Zenna. We started the day off watching Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory snuggled on the couch and then we decided to go out and have some breakfast.  She was so excited. She got banana blueberry pancakes and hot chocolate.  That little nugget must’ve really liked it, cuz she ate everything on that plate except for a little bit of eggs.

Then I needed to get my ring checked at the mall so we went there and wandered around for a little bit. She dragged a my little pony around build a bear for a while, gave it a bath and got to help them out putting stuffing in the machine. We even played in the photo booth 🙂 Once we got home I downloaded an app to make the menu she colored at Denny’s become 3D which was kinda neat. 

Then she decided because it was a rainy day she needed to use her rain gear and go jump in the puddles. 

 

Then of course she needed a bubble bath to warm up. After all that we snuggled in once again on the couch and watched Charlie and the chocolate factory until it was time to go pick up Ben. I think Zenna must’ve had a pretty good day, cuz this was her pretty much the whole car ride. 🙂After dinner we had family game night and played candy land and Jenga until bedtime. It was such a great day! I think spending the day with Zenna being silly was just what I needed. I love this little girl sooo much and I’m so glad she’s mine!

Angry

I feel like for the past two years I’ve been angry. Since you left I’ve been so so angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t save you. I’m angry that my body didn’t do it’s job. I’m angry that my son, my daughter, my husband, my family has had to go through this. I’m angry that I can’t have my dream of multiple kids. I’m angry that people don’t really seem to care anymore. I’m angry that people don’t seem to think I’m still hurting. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry that god didn’t save you. I’m angry that god didn’t save me. I’m angry that we’ve had to go through this in the first place. I’m angry that time makes it easier to deal with because underneath I am angry that the raw gut wrenching soul crushing pain never goes away. I’m angry that no matter what I did or how much I prayed god still took you anyway. I’m angry that people act like you never existed. I’m angry that people who should care you existed don’t. I’m angry that I can’t hug and kiss my baby boy anytime I damn well please. I’m angry that I have to watch other people in the world have babies they ignore, neglect, abuse or don’t even want when I would give anything to see you for just 1 minute. I’m angry that my daughter at 4 year old knows all too well what death is. I’m angry that she never got to meet her baby brother. I’m angry that she has had to see her mommy cry sooo much that she automatically knows “miss Renix mama”. I’m angry that people can go on with their lives like nothing happened. I’m angry that no one says your name. I’m angry that come holidays and other celebrations you are not even mentioned by most of our family. I’m angry that after two years I’m still so angry. I’m angry that I’ve been told my whole life to “give it to god” “have faith” “just pray” and yet I did all those things and he still took you from me. I’m angry that my husband will never get his son. I’m angry my daughter won’t know what it’s like to have that sibling who you wanna murder one minute but you know would always be there for you the next. I’m angry that I still wake up wishing it was all a bad dream. I’m angry that it comes so easy and natural to some people who don’t even want it or care while others suffer wanting so badly to have that child. I’m angry that I feel bad for wanting to share your picture. I’m angry that I can’t hang your picture on my wall with out fear of what others would say or think. I’m angry that I can’t share your pictures on fb and tell people how you’re doing. I’m angry that even the pictures I do have of you, no one wants to see. I’m angry that I can’t talk to you. I’m angry that anytime I’m asked how many kids I have I either have to lie and feel guilty or explain “my son died” I’m angry that my daughter has had to explain to others “Renix died, his heart stopped beating” I’m angry that she she even knows what it is. I’m angry that it feels like no one understands and those that do certainly don’t need my burdens on top of their own. I’m angry that I spend my days taking care of others peoples children but don’t get to take care of you. I’m angry that when people do ask or talk to me about my feelings I get a lot of them telling me how I should feel instead of just letting me feel whatever I want. I’m angry that’s it’s so fucking cold out I don’t even wanna go outside to use my punching bag. I’m angry that I’m still so angry and don’t know what to do about it. I’m angry that most of this anger seems to come out on my husband and my daughter even though I don’t mean for it or want it too. I’m angry that even writing in here just feels like I’m repeating the same things I’ve already said over and over and over. Im angry. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY! Why my son? Why my family? Why didn’t god save him? Why couldn’t I save him? What could I have done differently? Why is my son not right fucking here in my arms where he belongs??? 

Missing You

I miss you. 

There’s not much more to say. 

My heart has been broken since the day you went away. 

I woke up in tears, with you in my heart

Longing for just one second of you in my arms. 

I think of you often and talk to you too

Can you hear me baby? I hope that you do

I tell you I’m sorry and how I love you so 

That I would’ve done anything for you not to go. 

I tell you I miss you and your daddy does too

And so does your sister, she loves to talk about you. 

If love could have saved you, you’d be just fine 

Cuz we love you so so much sweet child of mine. 

I try to be happy, I try to stay strong 

But my heart has shattered since you’ve been gone. 

My life is a lot different, I’m a changed person now 

Will it ever go back or get easier? I don’t really see how

Losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

It’s hard to believe tomorrow you would be turning two. 

I hope that you hear us when we drive by your park 

Cuz every time we yell “love you Renix” and wave from the car

I’m so sorry my body wouldn’t let you grow

I’d have done anything to change it if I could’ve you know

You’re my sweet baby boy, my one and only son

I sometimes imagine the things you’d have done

Would you be into video games and computers like dad

Would you be tall or short? What color hair would you have had? 

It’s hard not to dwell on the what could’ve been

But I know that someday I will see you again 

I love you my son, I hope this you know

I’m so so so so sorry that you had to go 

I miss you

There’s not much more to say

My hearts been broken since the day you went away

Moment of Zen 

I just had to share and write it down cuz I found it so funny. We’re driving last night and Z sees wacky inflatable arm flailing tube man and she’s all excited and watching it then she says “why does the tube man bend over like a sad French fry?”

Ben and I busted up laughing. I love that little girl so much. She brings joy to my life every single day and I’m so glad she’s my little miracle!

Handling Feelings

Even though I’ve said it many times now I’m not sure people are hearing me. I am not the same person I used to be. Whether anyone wants to see it or not, losing my son has changed me as a person. Probably forever. I was always taught to show people respect, to treat others how you want to be treated, to be kind to people, to help those that need it. I have always been that kind of person. If you need me I’ll be there. I have a very organized mind and I like to have a plan or at least some details about whatever situation I am in. While most of this is still true. I have a limit to the amount of other people’s shit that I can take anymore. I’ve never been able to tell people no when they ask me to do something even if I don’t want to, even if it will add more stress to my plate, even if it’s something they could have done themselves. But this habit of being a people pleaser is stopping now. I am not that same person anymore. When I get too much other added stress it pushes me past a breaking point. Maybe it’s the grief, the PTSD, my emotional personality or maybe it’s all of the above, but once I hit that point I can not control the emotions and anger that come out. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch things, and most times I do all three because the overwhelming emotion that takes over is too much to handle.

 I’ve got to start figuring out how to put not just my family but also myself first. I don’t have to please everyone. I don’t have to care what other people think. I don’t have to feel bad for not being able to or not wanting to help them with something. I have a right to express the way I’m feeling whether it’s justified or not. I’m not perfect even when I try not to let my emotions take over even when I try to stay calm sometimes I just can’t. Maybe it’s not the right way to handle a situation and maybe no one can tell but I’ve actually been trying pretty hard to try to keep my emotions in check when talking to somebody. However people are emotional creatures and we tend to react to those emotions instantly when in certain situations. 

I’ve never handled being yelled at very well. If someone starts yelling at me or telling me to do something. Usually it just makes me want to start yelling back and do the opposite of whatever I’m being told to do. It’s not a very effective way of communication. Lately I’ve tried to start actually talking to people and tell them how I am feeling versus just letting it eat away at me. However I’m not sure if this is what’s best either because people tend to get emotional during serious conversations and this can sometimes make the matters even worse. 10x worse. The problem with people is we all have feelings and sometimes those feelings get hurt even when someone didn’t mean to hurt them. Sometimes feelings get hurt because we misunderstood a conversation or a situation. Sometimes it’s because someone treats us a certain way or says a certain thing. It’s hard to have a straightforward honest conversation without feelings getting in the way. So what is the right thing to do in a situation of this nature? Should you talk to someone about your feelings and risk them getting hurt or upset and things ending up worse than they were before. Should you keep them all in till you can’t take it anymore and explode? If you do talk to them how do you stop feelings and emotions from getting in the way and turning the whole conversation in the wrong direction. Where do you draw the line on what to say or how to say it. Do you tell someone all the little things that are bothering you before they become bigger or do you just stick to the big stuff to avoid hurting feeling as much as possible? But then you are still not talking about everything that’s bothering you and there could still be unresolved issues there. But again where’s the line. If you start telling someone every little thing they do that bugs you they are going to get hurt and it’s not going to accomplish anything. But is letting them keep bugging you the right thing thing to do? I can’t see how.