Angry

I feel like for the past two years I’ve been angry. Since you left I’ve been so so angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t save you. I’m angry that my body didn’t do it’s job. I’m angry that my son, my daughter, my husband, my family has had to go through this. I’m angry that I can’t have my dream of multiple kids. I’m angry that people don’t really seem to care anymore. I’m angry that people don’t seem to think I’m still hurting. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry that god didn’t save you. I’m angry that god didn’t save me. I’m angry that we’ve had to go through this in the first place. I’m angry that time makes it easier to deal with because underneath I am angry that the raw gut wrenching soul crushing pain never goes away. I’m angry that no matter what I did or how much I prayed god still took you anyway. I’m angry that people act like you never existed. I’m angry that people who should care you existed don’t. I’m angry that I can’t hug and kiss my baby boy anytime I damn well please. I’m angry that I have to watch other people in the world have babies they ignore, neglect, abuse or don’t even want when I would give anything to see you for just 1 minute. I’m angry that my daughter at 4 year old knows all too well what death is. I’m angry that she never got to meet her baby brother. I’m angry that she has had to see her mommy cry sooo much that she automatically knows “miss Renix mama”. I’m angry that people can go on with their lives like nothing happened. I’m angry that no one says your name. I’m angry that come holidays and other celebrations you are not even mentioned by most of our family. I’m angry that after two years I’m still so angry. I’m angry that I’ve been told my whole life to “give it to god” “have faith” “just pray” and yet I did all those things and he still took you from me. I’m angry that my husband will never get his son. I’m angry my daughter won’t know what it’s like to have that sibling who you wanna murder one minute but you know would always be there for you the next. I’m angry that I still wake up wishing it was all a bad dream. I’m angry that it comes so easy and natural to some people who don’t even want it or care while others suffer wanting so badly to have that child. I’m angry that I feel bad for wanting to share your picture. I’m angry that I can’t hang your picture on my wall with out fear of what others would say or think. I’m angry that I can’t share your pictures on fb and tell people how you’re doing. I’m angry that even the pictures I do have of you, no one wants to see. I’m angry that I can’t talk to you. I’m angry that anytime I’m asked how many kids I have I either have to lie and feel guilty or explain “my son died” I’m angry that my daughter has had to explain to others “Renix died, his heart stopped beating” I’m angry that she she even knows what it is. I’m angry that it feels like no one understands and those that do certainly don’t need my burdens on top of their own. I’m angry that I spend my days taking care of others peoples children but don’t get to take care of you. I’m angry that when people do ask or talk to me about my feelings I get a lot of them telling me how I should feel instead of just letting me feel whatever I want. I’m angry that’s it’s so fucking cold out I don’t even wanna go outside to use my punching bag. I’m angry that I’m still so angry and don’t know what to do about it. I’m angry that most of this anger seems to come out on my husband and my daughter even though I don’t mean for it or want it too. I’m angry that even writing in here just feels like I’m repeating the same things I’ve already said over and over and over. Im angry. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY! Why my son? Why my family? Why didn’t god save him? Why couldn’t I save him? What could I have done differently? Why is my son not right fucking here in my arms where he belongs??? 

Missing You

I miss you. 

There’s not much more to say. 

My heart has been broken since the day you went away. 

I woke up in tears, with you in my heart

Longing for just one second of you in my arms. 

I think of you often and talk to you too

Can you hear me baby? I hope that you do

I tell you I’m sorry and how I love you so 

That I would’ve done anything for you not to go. 

I tell you I miss you and your daddy does too

And so does your sister, she loves to talk about you. 

If love could have saved you, you’d be just fine 

Cuz we love you so so much sweet child of mine. 

I try to be happy, I try to stay strong 

But my heart has shattered since you’ve been gone. 

My life is a lot different, I’m a changed person now 

Will it ever go back or get easier? I don’t really see how

Losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

It’s hard to believe tomorrow you would be turning two. 

I hope that you hear us when we drive by your park 

Cuz every time we yell “love you Renix” and wave from the car

I’m so sorry my body wouldn’t let you grow

I’d have done anything to change it if I could’ve you know

You’re my sweet baby boy, my one and only son

I sometimes imagine the things you’d have done

Would you be into video games and computers like dad

Would you be tall or short? What color hair would you have had? 

It’s hard not to dwell on the what could’ve been

But I know that someday I will see you again 

I love you my son, I hope this you know

I’m so so so so sorry that you had to go 

I miss you

There’s not much more to say

My hearts been broken since the day you went away

Moment of Zen 

I just had to share and write it down cuz I found it so funny. We’re driving last night and Z sees wacky inflatable arm flailing tube man and she’s all excited and watching it then she says “why does the tube man bend over like a sad French fry?”

Ben and I busted up laughing. I love that little girl so much. She brings joy to my life every single day and I’m so glad she’s my little miracle!

Handling Feelings

Even though I’ve said it many times now I’m not sure people are hearing me. I am not the same person I used to be. Whether anyone wants to see it or not, losing my son has changed me as a person. Probably forever. I was always taught to show people respect, to treat others how you want to be treated, to be kind to people, to help those that need it. I have always been that kind of person. If you need me I’ll be there. I have a very organized mind and I like to have a plan or at least some details about whatever situation I am in. While most of this is still true. I have a limit to the amount of other people’s shit that I can take anymore. I’ve never been able to tell people no when they ask me to do something even if I don’t want to, even if it will add more stress to my plate, even if it’s something they could have done themselves. But this habit of being a people pleaser is stopping now. I am not that same person anymore. When I get too much other added stress it pushes me past a breaking point. Maybe it’s the grief, the PTSD, my emotional personality or maybe it’s all of the above, but once I hit that point I can not control the emotions and anger that come out. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch things, and most times I do all three because the overwhelming emotion that takes over is too much to handle.

 I’ve got to start figuring out how to put not just my family but also myself first. I don’t have to please everyone. I don’t have to care what other people think. I don’t have to feel bad for not being able to or not wanting to help them with something. I have a right to express the way I’m feeling whether it’s justified or not. I’m not perfect even when I try not to let my emotions take over even when I try to stay calm sometimes I just can’t. Maybe it’s not the right way to handle a situation and maybe no one can tell but I’ve actually been trying pretty hard to try to keep my emotions in check when talking to somebody. However people are emotional creatures and we tend to react to those emotions instantly when in certain situations. 

I’ve never handled being yelled at very well. If someone starts yelling at me or telling me to do something. Usually it just makes me want to start yelling back and do the opposite of whatever I’m being told to do. It’s not a very effective way of communication. Lately I’ve tried to start actually talking to people and tell them how I am feeling versus just letting it eat away at me. However I’m not sure if this is what’s best either because people tend to get emotional during serious conversations and this can sometimes make the matters even worse. 10x worse. The problem with people is we all have feelings and sometimes those feelings get hurt even when someone didn’t mean to hurt them. Sometimes feelings get hurt because we misunderstood a conversation or a situation. Sometimes it’s because someone treats us a certain way or says a certain thing. It’s hard to have a straightforward honest conversation without feelings getting in the way. So what is the right thing to do in a situation of this nature? Should you talk to someone about your feelings and risk them getting hurt or upset and things ending up worse than they were before. Should you keep them all in till you can’t take it anymore and explode? If you do talk to them how do you stop feelings and emotions from getting in the way and turning the whole conversation in the wrong direction. Where do you draw the line on what to say or how to say it. Do you tell someone all the little things that are bothering you before they become bigger or do you just stick to the big stuff to avoid hurting feeling as much as possible? But then you are still not talking about everything that’s bothering you and there could still be unresolved issues there. But again where’s the line. If you start telling someone every little thing they do that bugs you they are going to get hurt and it’s not going to accomplish anything. But is letting them keep bugging you the right thing thing to do? I can’t see how. 

Angel Baby

After Renix died the Hospital gave us many pamphlets and books and lots of things to help us get through losing him. One of the things they gave us was a book for kids to help them understand what is happening around them. It was called “We Were Going to Have a Baby, but We Had an Angel Instead” I read it a couple times but I decided that I didn’t want to read it to Z because the ending didn’t leave me with any hope for the future. It basically told from a kids point of few how now their mommy and daddy is sad and cry a lot because they were going to have a baby but they got an angel instead, and then it just ends with “I think a baby would have been better” and I guess my thought was WELL DUH!! But it didn’t leave any hope that things get better or that mommy and daddy will feel better or that the angel baby is ok.. So I thought I would eventually write my own.. It was a lot harder to do than I thought, and a lot harder than most things that I have written. I actually wrote this a few months ago but wasn’t sure if I wanted to share. I also am not sure if this is the final draft, and in fact it’s probably not because I was just editing it before I put it in here. But I just wanted to share a little piece of my heart with anyone who is willing to read it. Thanks!

Hi, My name is Renix, and I am a baby angel.

My mommy and daddy love each other very much, and through that love they made me.

I started out very small in my mommy’s tummy, and even though I never got to see her while I was there, I heard my mommy talking all the time. Sometimes she would be talking to my daddy or my sister but other times I would hear her tell me how much she loves me and sing me songs and tell me stories.

As I started to grow bigger, I knew there was trouble, I was having a hard time growing and I heard the doctor tell my mommy and daddy that she was sick.

My mommy told me not to worry though, she would talk to me all day long and tell me how she loved me, and that I was a fighter, and to just keep growing.

I tried to grow like mommy said, but my mommy’s sickness made it very hard.

Then all of the sudden, I wasn’t in my mommy’s tummy anymore. I was being held by very big, strong, soft hands, he said he was my father, but different than my daddy. He gave me wings and told me that I needed to go watch out for my mommy and daddy. That I was their guardian angel now and they were going to need me.

I soared down to find them, excited about my new wings and important job, but when I found them they were crying and very sad.

“It’s okay mommy” I said. “It’s not hard to grow anymore and I have wings to soar and watch out for you where ever you go.”

But mommy and daddy can’t hear me. They get really sad and tell me how much they miss me all the time. I try to show them that I am always right beside them.

“Mommy,” I say, “Even though I am not in your arms, I am in your heart. I will always be here watching out for you.”

My big sister talks about me all the time. I am her guardian angel too.  I love to watch her dance and play and sing. Sometimes I even try to sing along with her, even though I know she can’t hear me.

I wish that I could have stayed with my mommy, daddy and sister and give them big hugs and kisses and tell them how much I love them, but I was given a very special job of watching over them instead.

I wasn’t strong enough to stay with my family, but now I am strong enough to do anything! I have the special job of being their guardian ninja angel. I watch out for them where ever they go and try to keep them safe.

I wish I could tell my mommy and daddy about all the cool people I have met that have wings too.  There is even someone up here called great-grandma, she loves to sing me songs and tell me stories about my mommy!

I know that my family is sad that that I am not with them, and even though I get to see them all the time as their angel, I can’t wait for the day when they can see me too, and I get to hug my mommy and daddy whenever I want.

Until then though, I am going to keep watching out for them and be the best guardian ninja angel baby I can be!