Mother’s Day

It’s hard to celebrate a day that is meant to cherish moms when one of the babies that made me a mom isn’t here. I thought I was ok. I have a fun day planned. But some days just hit me harder than I expect them too.

Ben has to work so it’s my first Mother’s Day without him. I didn’t think it would be a big deal but I had a huge ache in my heart when he left this morning. I haven’t had to deal with anything about Renix without Ben right by my side. He’s amazing! But today I woke up thinking about my baby boy. Wishing he could be here with us too. Longing to just give him a hug or a kiss. It hurts so much.

But then this beautiful little girl all on her own remembered it was Mother’s Day and brought me my present which was all her idea and she picked out. A whole bag full of mini candles! She is such a sweetheart and I don’t know what I would do with out her.

My husband and her also gave me the biggest bouquet of roses I’ve ever seen.

Even though it’s hard to spend the day without one of the people who made me a mother I am forever thankful to have my daughter and husband by my side.

I’ve never shared these pictures of Renix before, I’ve always been afraid of what others would think. But I thought in honor of mother’s day I would share a couple pictures of both of my babies. Because I don’t give a fuck what people think anymore. He was my son and he was handsome and he was created out of so much love. And a piece of my heart will always be with him in heaven. These photos were taken the day he was born. The photos taken that day are the only ones we have. I will forever love you my beautiful baby boy!

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Missing You

I miss you. 

There’s not much more to say. 

My heart has been broken since the day you went away. 

I woke up in tears, with you in my heart

Longing for just one second of you in my arms. 

I think of you often and talk to you too

Can you hear me baby? I hope that you do

I tell you I’m sorry and how I love you so 

That I would’ve done anything for you not to go. 

I tell you I miss you and your daddy does too

And so does your sister, she loves to talk about you. 

If love could have saved you, you’d be just fine 

Cuz we love you so so much sweet child of mine. 

I try to be happy, I try to stay strong 

But my heart has shattered since you’ve been gone. 

My life is a lot different, I’m a changed person now 

Will it ever go back or get easier? I don’t really see how

Losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

It’s hard to believe tomorrow you would be turning two. 

I hope that you hear us when we drive by your park 

Cuz every time we yell “love you Renix” and wave from the car

I’m so sorry my body wouldn’t let you grow

I’d have done anything to change it if I could’ve you know

You’re my sweet baby boy, my one and only son

I sometimes imagine the things you’d have done

Would you be into video games and computers like dad

Would you be tall or short? What color hair would you have had? 

It’s hard not to dwell on the what could’ve been

But I know that someday I will see you again 

I love you my son, I hope this you know

I’m so so so so sorry that you had to go 

I miss you

There’s not much more to say

My hearts been broken since the day you went away